“I just… we…”
Alex stares at me, and when he blinks next, a tear falls down his cheek.
Fuck.
I go to him, forgetting all the anger and anxiety I have over going to jail for assaulting a fucking famous person. I pull him to me, hugging him as tightly as I can.
“I’m sorry,” I say.
“Me too.”
He cries softly against me for a while, and I let him. His hands shake as he settles them on my waist, burying his face into my shirt. I tighten my grip, still feeling the aftershocks of my adrenaline racing through me. He needs to let it out, he can let it out. We have to talk, clearly about a lot of things, but first… we need this.
I hear a car door close, and expect police to knock on the front door, but the engine starts and then peels off. I have no idea how he drove off with a shattered knee, but that’s his problem. Guess he’s using his other fucking leg. Good thing Alex stopped me, or he never would have left. I’d have left him out in the yard to rot. And I wasn’t kidding about feeding him to the pigs. Those fuckers will eat anything.
When Alex calms down, we head into his living room and sit on the couch, still in silence. I wait for him to saysomething, because I don’t know what to say anymore. Now that the adrenaline has worn off, I’m really terrified the cops are going to show up. It’s just my luck, and just so me to do something so fucking stupid.
Maybe the only way to get this conversation started, to get Alex to open up to me, is to open up to him.
“My mom died,” I say.
His head jerks in my direction. “Fuck, Jordan. I’m sorry. Are you okay?”
I shake my head, picking at a loose string on my sweatpants. “It was a while ago.”
Alex frowns. “Why are you only telling me now?”
“I didn’t tell anyone.” His eyes widen. I always knew it was really stupid, but it feels even more ridiculous now that I’m talking about it. “I’ve always been real quiet about my home life. It sucked so badly my dad killed himself and my sister left the moment she could. She doesn’t even talk to me, probably afraid I’m too much like our mother. She doesn’t want me poisoning her kids and her perfect life.”
“I didn’t even know you had a sister…”
I shrug. “Feels like I don’t.”
“And you’re an uncle…”
That hurts a lot. When I think about it, it makes my chest tight. I’ve never been a huge fan of kids, but maybe that’s because I’ve never had the chance to be around them.
“So what happened?” Alex asks gently.
“Drugs. That’s what her life was. I didn’t make an announcement because I was ashamed of who she was and how she lived, so I kept everything quiet. Swept it all under the rug. No one really knew her except her drug dealers, so it’s not like anyone asked about her. It was easier than dealing with the pity looks I’d get from people.”
He nods slowly, reaching for my hand. “I’m sorry you dealt with that alone.”
“Thank you,” I tell him sincerely.
Talking about it sucks, but maybe I feel a little lighter getting it off my chest.
His hand slips from mine, and he brings them to his lap, looking down at them. He chews on the corner of his lip, and I wait for him to talk. It’s his turn now, and I hope he’s going to open up so I can know what the fuck is going on. So I can see deeper into Alex and help him. Because I do want to help him. I want to be here. I want to do this… with him. I decided that, and it’s why I came over here at all. I’m tired of pretending and living a life that’s fake. I just want to be me and be happy. The only way I’m truly going to get away from the life I grew up in is to do the opposite. My mother was miserable, and so I should make sure I can be as happy as possible. I think that’s with Alex.
“I was sixteen when Kyle Shaw fucked me in the locker room before practice and said if I told a soul, he’d beat the shit out of me.” He shrugs. “He had a girlfriend, so I guess he didn’t want her or the other guys at school to know how much he liked my ass, which is what he bit out every time he’d fuck me.” He smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.
“I was twenty-one when I found Eric, the professional dom who proved my dad right. I was a menace, but I could listen. I could be good. With the right code, of course. Rough, brutal touch. A little choking. Degrading words. A deep, smooth sexy voice telling me what the fuck to do and how to do it. Some tears and some cuddling. Once I learned what worked…” He whistles, picking at some lint on his shorts. “So I chased the pain. Confused it for discipline. Thought if I could just be a good boy, they’d stay. They’d see I was worth staying for. I kept chasing that high until…” He looks at me for a quick moment before he looks away. “Until I learned I wasn’t worth it. Until I learned it was better to run away than to be left. Until I learned there were only two things I was really good at. Hockey and sex.”
When he looks back at me, I see the guilt in his eyes.
“I wanted to impress him. Vance. I wanted his approval because he was my captain. I wanted to be worthy of my spot on the team, and I wanted to keep it. And then we started fucking around and—” He sucks in abreath, scooting closer to me. I keep my eyes trained on him. “I thought if maybe I could be a successful athlete, I’d be enough, you know?” He sighs again, rubbing his forehead. “I just wanted to feel the way I feel when the switch gets flipped.” He stares at his hands, twisting them as his shoulders tense.
“It didn’t happen right away. Our… arrangement. But he knew I liked it rough, and I liked to push my boundaries. He knew he could get me to listen, and I’d be better on the ice. I’d begood.With the right hand to control me.” His words are quiet.
