I don’t want to think so. My heart aches not to think so, but I just don’t know anything right now. My mind is swimming, viciously tainting all those perfect memories.
I should have left sooner, I know that. I was only supposed to stay for a few days, but I kept up the ruse, too. I didn’t want to leave and come home to my wife because I knew I’d have to go back to mylife.
To my wife who hates me and has fucking cheated on me.
All I ever wanted was the same things everyone else wanted for me.
So why does it feel like everything I wanted is a lie?
Because it is, I realize.
I’ve spent so many years trying to be the perfect husband, trying to have the perfect life. But I don’t fit the role. And neither does Savannah.
At least I tried, right? That has to count for something.
I pursued her. I stowed my desires and wants and needs, in favor of making her happy.
And she cheated on me. God, I really am a fool.
The singer on the radio croons on about loving someone who’s a losing game, and I can’t help but feel like it hits a little close to the chest.
So I change the station, but that stupid Celine Dion Titanic song comes on and the tears threaten to fall all over again. I’d just stopped sobbing after four hours. Fucking hell.
What was I thinking?
Clearly, I wasn’t. I’d shown up on Cam’s doorstep, upset and a mess, and he took advantage of the situation. Again.
That’s what my self-preservation tells me. It’s the same code it was last time.
Except… it’snotthe same code, and I know Cam didn’t take advantage of me. He didn’t all those years ago, despite what I said. He kissed me in his bedroom, yes, despite knowing my wife was cheating on me. But I could have stopped it there. I could have pushed him away. But I didn’t. I kissed him back, and I. Kept. Coming. Back. For more.
Would I have done so if I knew?
The fact I can’t say no…
I stare out the window as the truth unravels itself.
I took advantage of him that night in Vegas. Kissed him because I wanted to know if it was true—if he loved me like Mack said he did.
Because I was so starved for love, drowning in isolation and he was a life raft.
He was my best friend, and he loved me. But not in the way he was supposed to.
Helovedme.
And at the first test of that love, I failed.
I failed miserably, and the last seven years have been my doing becauseI failed him.
And then somehow I got the exact thing I wanted back—my best friend. And now we’re broken again. Because he couldn’t be honest with me when I needed it the most. I think I knew on some instinctual level that this was inevitable. The crash, the burn. We were never going to work—how could we? I should have known this wouldn’t work.
But God, I wanted it to.
Why do we keep hurting each other like this? I wish I knew.
The rain picks up as I turn off the exit towards Ashbourne.
Savannah will be asleep, and for that I’m glad. I’m not sure I have it in me to deal with her right now, but I’ll have to. I can’t pretend anymore, now that I know the truth.
