The first time, I reasoned it was a drunk mistake. I cheated on my fiancée with my gay best friend, and I wasn’t sure what that said about me on so many levels. I was convinced I was straight, and nothing was going to get in the way of the life I wanted, but I know now that I was lying to myself.
Because if the last two days have taught me anything, it’s that I’m not the person I thought I was.
I’m not the good guy, and I’m definitelynot straight.I’ve never been attracted to another man though, so I’m not entirely sure I’m gay. Can you be gay for one person? Is that a thing? I don’t know, and I’m not sure I want to think about it. I don’t want to question what feels right.
I don’t want to over think because if I do, I’ll start to spiral.
I’m not stupid. I know what I’m doing, and I know it’ll have to stop. But I don’t want it to stop.
How can I go back to my life now? Now that I know this exists?
I don’t think I can…
“You okay?” he asks as he hands me a bottle of water before sitting next to me.
I nod slowly. “Yeah, just tired, I guess. It’s been a long couple days,” I say, trying to shove the thoughts away so I don’t fall apart.
Don’t let him see you fall apart.A lifelong mantra resurfaces.
But he’s already seen me fall apart. And he’s still here.
He’s stillhere.
Cam looks at me curiously, but he doesn’t press me.
“Yeah, I guess. How long you staying?”
It’s not the words or the way he says them. It’s the implication, theunsaidwords.
Like he wants to know if I’m leaving.
If I’m leavinghim.
My stomach twists into knots at the thought of leaving Cameron.
But I’m not sure I canstayeither. God, how did things get so complicated?
“Five days,” I say softly.
He nods, his gaze warm, understanding.
“You can stay as long as you like, you know.” His words are even, solid.
“Do you want me to?” I ask, licking my lips, my heart in my throat. “Stay?”
I know we’re talking about my lodging situation, but I also get the feeling we’renottalking about my lodging situation.
And I don’t know how I feel about that.
Actually, that’s a lie. I do know how I feel, but I don’t know if I can say it out loud yet.
“Yes,” Cam’s voice is careful. Guarded even. “But do you want to?”
“Yeah.” I nod. “I kinda like it here, to be honest.”
I love it.
He nods as he leans back into the couch cushions with a soft smile. “Glad you approve.”
