“What?” I say, the word coming out breathy.
“Nothing.” Austen shakes his head, bringing his attention back to the TV. We don’t speak for a few minutes, until I feel him looking at me again.
It’s on the tip of my tongue to ask him what’s wrong when he scoots over and lies down, putting his head on my lap and bringing the blanket up to cover him.
“Is this okay?” he asks, looking up at me.
“Yes,” I say, putting my arm around him and resting my hand on his chest. I can feel the faint soft thud of his heartbeat against my palm. Austen and I were always close when we were younger, but cuddling isn’t really something we did. So… this is very new and very welcome.
Before I know it, the movie is done and I’m scrolling to find another.
“You can put on whatever you want. I’m beat,” Austen says with a yawn. I glance at the clock. The sun will be coming up soon.
“Damn,” I say. “I should get to bed too.”
He shifts off me and I get to my feet.
“I don’t have a guest room, but uh—” I scratch the back of my neck. “I mean, my bed is big enough…”
Austen smirks as he gets to his feet.
“Better than the double we used to squish in?”
“So much better,” I say with a laugh.
He follows me into my room, and when I turn to get into bed, he’s just standing there, staring at me with this strange look that I can’t place.
“You okay?” I ask, pulling the blankets down. He’s at the foot of the bed, seeming unsure of where to go.
“I don’t know, Cameron.”
His words are so broken they have my heart hurting. I go to him and pull him into a hug because maybe he needs a hug. When’s the last time he got one? Savannah isn’t the hugging type… and Austen loves hugs. Does she even know that about him? After all these years, it should be something she knows, butsomething tells me she doesn’t. Or worse, she does, but doesn’t care.
“I’m sorry, Cam,” he says, and I pull back to look at him.
“You don’t have any reason to be sorry,” I say, noticing the tears in his eyes. I bring my thumbs up to wipe them away.
“Don’t say that. Yes, I do. I was cruel. I put all the blame on you and it wasn’t your fault. I made you feel like shit, I know I did.”
“It’s over now. It’s in the past.” I shrug.
“But nothing is the same. Everything sucks. My life sucks. My wife is a bitch. My best friend hates me.”
“Hey, I do not hate you,” I say, gripping his face and making him look at me. “I do not hate you, Austen. I could never hate you.” I search his watery blue eyes and he lets out a sob, eyes falling closed. His hands slide up my stomach and come to rest against my chest. I suck in a sharp breath when his nails dig in, grasping at my shirt.
“Cameron,” he whispers, opening his eyes and looking at me like a lost little boy. I hate it. That’s what I hate. I hate how unhappy he is, and how far apart we are. I hate what we’ve become and how we lost everything that we were. I’d have been happy with that. It would have been better than the nothing I’ve had over the last seven years.
“Austen,” I say back, my word no stronger than his.
I swear he steps closer to me. I can’t be sure, but I think he does. I’m suddenly very aware of how close he is, how we’re in my bedroom, alone. He’s upset and I shouldn’t be thinking the things I’m thinking, but fuck, I can’t help it.
His gaze definitely goes to my mouth, there’s no mistaking it. His tongue darts out to lick his lips, and I am so going to regret this. I am. I know I am. Nothing good can come out of what I’m going to do, but… I can’t fucking help myself. So I lean in and kiss him.
I expect him to shove me off, yell at me, tell me how much of a piece of shit I am for taking advantage of him, because yeah… this time maybe that is what I’m doing. The first time he was drunk, this time he’s sad… I don’t have a great track record doing this with him. That should be a sign, but I don’t listen to anyone but me.
But he doesn’t push me away or yell at me. He kisses me back, and it scares the absolute hell out of me, so I pull away and step back.
“Fuck, I’m sorry,” I blurt out. “I am so sorry. Oh my God, I don’t know what I was thinking. I just… Austen, fuck. I—”
