I manage to pull on some leggings and the undershirt Mike accidentally left behind. It’s not as baggy on me as I’d like, but it smells like him, and I sit on the couch holding the neckline over my nose as I take deep breaths to calm myself.
I hardly notice when Bella slips in quietly and sits on the couch next to me, placing a hand on my shoulder.
I practically leap into her arms, pulling her into a hug. She stiffens briefly, probably not expecting my reaction, before she wraps her arms around me making “shhh” sounds as she rubs circles up and down my back.
“Is this the first time he’s been called in since you’ve been dating?”
I nod against her shoulder.
“It’s going to be okay.”
“But what if it’s not?”
“Then we make lemonade until it is.”
I pull back and search her face.
“Want me to make you a dick cookie that looks like a glass of lemonade with two lemons for the nuts? Because I think I could do it. The glass may not hide the shape of the tip very well, unless I used an ice cube or added a straw…” She rambles on as if she’s having a creative breakthrough, and my nerves slowly ease as her ridiculousness calms me down. “I know it may seem like I’m not taking this seriously, but you calmed down a little, didn’t you?”
A shaky breath escapes me as I nod.
“Good. Now what’s really bothering you. Tell me everything, all your scary thoughts. Get them out now so we can deal with them and move on.”
“I told him I love him, and he said it too and then we made love, and I was so close to telling him the truth. I mean, I was scared, but it felt like the right time. And then he got a call about a wreck and a fire, and right as he washeaded out the door I blurted out that I can’t have any more kids.”
“Then what happened?”
“Then his phone rang, and he said he was sorry, and he left. The last words I heard him say on his way out were ‘Feckin’ hell,’ and I’m not sure if that was because of what I said or if he was on the phone. And now I’m overthinking everything.”
“Either way, he’s allowed to have feelings about what you said. It doesn’t mean he won’t be okay with it.”
“But what if he walks away? What if he wants kids and a big family more than he wants me? What if we’re not enough for him? What if I’m not enough for him?”
“You’re enough.” She pulls on my shoulder, forcing me to make eye contact with her. “You are enough. And he loves you and your boys. I don’t see him walking away from any of you.”
“How do you do it?”
“Do what?”
I scrub a hand down my face. “Put yourself out there. Trust someone with your heart?”
“You build trust. It’s in the little things they do, the consistencies, the way they show up and walk the walk. If he treats you anything like he has the firehouse crew, then I think I already know the answer to that one. I’ve never met a more consistent person. Every time I go up to visit Hardy, Mike is there, offering me a bite of his latest creation.”
“He does that for us too.”
“That’s good. So what makes you think something changed? Is it because you finally admitted your big feelings out loud and you’re feeling vulnerable?”
“Yeah. I think so,” I say, feeling some of the tension leave my body. Bella’s always been able to read my thoughts without me having to voice them.
“What is this really about?”
“I feel like I finally found someone, and now I’m terrified that I’m going to lose him, either physically to an accident at his job, or emotionally because I can’t give him the kids he wants. Carrying on his family name is important to him. What if I can’t give him that?”
“That’s a lot to unpack. Let’s start with the job part.”
“Okay.” I swallow, trying to calm my nerves.
“Mike is by the book. In all my experiences with him, he’s never made a rash decision, never let his emotions get the better of him. He’ll look at a situation from all angles before deciding how to approach it. It’s what keeps him safe, it’s what keeps all the guys safe.”
