LUCY
Ido not do stuff like this. I never miss school and certainly not for something as frivolous as this. But I had a dentist’s appointment scheduled this morning, so I already had a sub.
When I arrive at the agreed-upon meeting place, Chestnut Roasters, I order a coffee and pick out a table, then nervously look around waiting for my date.
A few minutes later, a very attractive man walks in. When he sees me, I wave, and he heads in my direction. He looks like the 2015 version of Ben Affleck had a baby with 1997 Matt Damon.
He takes a seat, and he seems nice enough, but several minutes in, I already know that I’ve got to figure out a way to get out of this catastrophe of a date. My friends mean well, but they set me up with the weirdest man on the planet. I get why they picked him, though—on paper he looks great. Hell, in person, he looks fantastic.
Even though he agreed to a coffee date, he admits he doesn’t drink coffee. I take another big sip of mine, unbothered by his confession. He had ample opportunity to suggest other options forour date.
He then proceeds to tell me that he has a severe allergy to shellfish and then stares at me for several seconds when I don’t give him the reaction he so obviously wants. I can’t believe I’m entertaining this, but I take the bait. “What does a shellfish allergy have to do with coffee?”
“You don’t know? That’s surprising. I thought you were a teacher.”
I blink several times. “I teach second grade. You do know that teachers don’t know everything, right? We have specialized areas we focus on, and we’re humans like everyone else. Being a teacher doesn’t make me smarter than the general population, it just means I enjoy shaping young minds and teaching them about a particular topic I’ve studied at length.”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you.” He smiles like he’s placating me.
Worried I’m overthinking things—with my luck and history of shitty exes, I probably am—I return a polite smile and gesture for him to continue. “You were saying?”
“I can’t have coffee because of my allergy. Well, I can have some coffee, but I can’t get it from any old place.”
“And why’s that?”
“Cockroaches.”
I nearly spit in his face, but I cover my mouth in the nick of time as coffee shoots all over my hand.
“Jesus! Are you trying to kill me?” he shouts as he stands and backs away from the table.
Fuck my luck. Even though he hasn’t fully explained the connection, I apparently did try to kill the man. “I’m so sorry!” I run over to the counter and grab a bunch of napkins to clean up the table then settle back in my seat.
I smile awkwardly as I wipe up the mess. “So, cockroaches?”
He examines me for a moment, then reluctantly sits. “Yeah. It’s been proven that low-quality coffee can be cross-contaminated with ground-up cockroaches. And if you have an allergylike mine, you’d know that cockroaches contain the same protein as shellfish.”
“I did not know that,” I say as I take another sip of my coffee. I remind myself to fact-check him after this date is over.
“Do you want to head over to Pine Dining and grab lunch?”
I’ve nearly murdered this man with coffee. What’s a little lunch?
When we get to the restaurant, he orders the most expensive thing on the menu, and when the bill comes, he does the “pat my pockets” dance, claiming he forgot his wallet.
“I’ll Venmo you,” he says as he takes a bite of a forty-two-dollar steak that I definitely can’t afford on my teacher’s salary.
A coffee date was supposed to be safe. With two wild little boys, it’s hard to find a sitter, so I figured a date while they were in school was best. I don’t have to pick up Levi until two, so I have plenty of time. But this is a disaster. Good on paper is terrible in person.
Once we finish, I’m ready for this date to be over, ready to head back to my car and drive away as fast as I can. We’re walking down Main Street toward our vehicles when a small dog runs toward us, leash trailing behind it and its owner running to catch up. I instantly recognize the woman as Susy, the owner of Peak Sweets.
Before I get a chance to process what’s happening, not-Ben Affleck grabs me by the arms, using me as a human shield.
I break from his hold and drop down to scoop up the adorable brown fluffball running toward me. An out-of-breath Susy offers me a smile as she approaches. “I’m so sorry, Lucy! Webster hates walking on a leash and runs off every chance he gets.” She looks over my shoulder at my date, still cowering behind me. “It’s okay, he doesn’t bite.”
He takes a step back. “I don’t like dogs.”
If everything else wasn’t enough, that definitely seals it. Icould never trust anyone who doesn’t like dogs. “It’s okay, I love Webster. Is he hanging out with you at the shop today?”
