CHAPTER 1
LUCY
“Boys have a penis, and girls have a… a buh-gi-nuh.” Micah splashes a gallon of bathwater over the side of the tub as his little brother Levi chants “PEE-NIS” on repeat. “And there’s a hole in your penis, and that’s where the peepee comes out.”
“Pee pee! PEE-NIS!” Levi hits the S hard as he grabs an empty shampoo bottle and fills it with water, then pretends to pee with it, spraying me in the process.
I reach for another towel in the closet and come up empty. Why are there never any clean towels? Where do they all keep going?
They’re probably in the hamper. I really need to do another load of laundry.
It’s just another Saturday night in our house, except now with more colorful language since my oldest has decided to give my youngest a biology lesson. “Boys, it’s okay to talk about this stuff at home?—”
“About penises and baginas?”
“Right. That. But you do not talk about that stuff at school. Understand?” I attempt to wrangle Levi so I can rub some shampoo inhis hair.
“Okay, Mommy,” Micah says.
“PEE-NIS!” Levi squeals.
I’m so screwed.
If I get another call from Levi’s preschool, I will lose my mind. Levi keeps getting in trouble for using inappropriate language. Apparently, he’s the only one in the class with an older brother to teach him these words. Thankfully, Micah’s teacher is my friend Bella. She’s much more understanding about things like this.
Levi’s preschool is not as understanding.
These are the parts of motherhood I wish someone had prepared me for.
Levi splashes me with water from his empty-bottle-turned-squirt-gun, and I shake my head, clearing my intrusive thoughts. I love my kids, but I’m exhausted.
“Okay, you two are turning into prunes, so let's finish up and get our jammies on.” I soap up the washcloth and hand it to Micah, and he does the quickest full body scrub known to man.
“I think you missed a couple spots there, buddy.” I turn to Levi, handing him another soaped-up cloth. “Your turn. Wash your body.”
“I can’t. It’s too hard. You do it, Mama.”
And because I want to enjoy a glass of wine before I go to bed and we’re already running behind schedule for their bedtime, I decide to pull out my go-to. “I bet you can’t do it faster than your brother.”
Levi sizes up Micah, takes the rag, and proceeds to do an even worse job than his older brother.
Whatever. Good enough.
“I win!” Micah declares.
“Nuh-uh!”
“Yes-huh. You didn’t clean your penis and testicles,” Micah says.
“TESS-TICK-UH-BULLS!” Levi shouts as he haphazardlyrubs the washcloth all over his privates. “Look at my pee-nis, Mama. It’s floppy. I make it dance!” He then proceeds to wiggle his hips side to side, causing his penis to indeed dance. Micah decides he wants to try the penis dance too, and pretty soon they’re shaking their penises in unison. I drop my head to hide my smile. It’s really hard not to laugh at their potty humor, but I need to be the adult here.
“Okay, that’s quite enough.”
“Swipe the card, Mama!” Micah whines.
I groan. When do boys learn how to successfully wipe their own asses?
In my early days of parenting and potty training, in an effort to teach them about said wiping, I likened washing their cracks to swiping a credit card through a slot. It helped in bath time and potty training, but now I regret it.
