“What am I doing here? I’ve been coming here for months and I’ve never seen you. What are you doing here?” His whispered tone is as accusatory as my body language.
I don’t even have it in me to answer his question because I’m too curious about the instructor.
“Who is she?”
Just then, she glances our direction, her brows pull together then turns away as she plugs her phone into the stereo that sits at the front of the room.
A satisfied grin covers his face and I want to smack it.
“You’re jealous,”he signs, which pisses me off even more.
I roll my eyes and shake my head.
Because, yeah, I’m jealous, but I’m also confused.
I raise my eyebrows, demanding an answer.
His face is still smug, like he’s debating about answering my question but highly considering making me suffer.
“Her name is Mimi. She’s the owner of the studio, the best yoga instructor in town, and my best friend’s wife.” He leans in whispering the last part with a smile and my body physically relaxes. I’m only slightly embarrassed how much I overreacted but I’ve been confused about my feelings—our feelings—for him and what ‘us’ could potentially look like.
He means more to me than I’d like to admit and because he’s involved with both me and Ethan I feel protective and territorial.
“Oh.”
“You’re really cute when you’re jealous.” He winks at me then turns to face the front of the classroom as Mimi begins to instruct us through a warm up.
An hour later and one thing is certain. Dane was right. Mimi is absolutely amazing. She guided us through every pose, the flow felt natural, and my body loved every minute of it.
Dane and I had a few moments where we glanced at each other—him trying to mask his smile while I attempted to hide mine—we failed each time though.
Now, as I lay in savasana listening to Mimi’s comforting voice guide me through my inhales and exhales, I can physically feel my shoulders melting into the mat. My eyes feel heavy but my body feels light.
We’re still on our mats but Dane’s hand somehow made its way closer to mine and the soft touch of his pinky caresses my own. There’s an overwhelming amount of comfort in the gesture.
How can we make this work? How can we see each other without risking everything? Is it just not our time? There are so many questions I’ve asked myself and so many of them revolve around the what if’s and what could happen after I finally get my MBA.
Ideally we would stay in Seattle since Ethan intends to continue to work for his dad. Even though I know he hates it. I wish he would just do what he wanted instead of what his father wants him to do.
He might not ever play baseball again but I know he can find something that would make him happier than working for his dad. I get he just wants stability for our future but I’d rather have his happiness. As many times as I’ve told him that, he’s set on getting his MBA—even though he hates school—because his dad insists on the title.
I just hope it’s something he can come to find joy in.
Me on the other hand, I feel like the more titles and degrees I have the more desirable I will be. Considering I won’t be able to speak or lead teams in the way I want. As much as there’s a no discrimination policy when hiring, I clearly have a disability when it comes to working in the corporate world.
But if I can fine tune the code and build out the platform I’ve been working on, it could change the way ASL is utilized in the digital world and that in itself will be invaluable.
My presentation revolves around what I’ve built so far but it’s a long way from being ready. In fact, I’m embarrassed to bring it up. I feel like I might just get laughed out of the classroom but I’m hoping that maybe sharing it will push me over the hump I’m stuck on.
Just as I realize I’m not pushing my thoughts away and clearing my mind, Mimi's angelic voice softly vibrates through the room. “When you’re ready, gently roll to your side and press into your mat, bringing yourself to a seated position.” Bodies move throughout the room and I’m now sitting with my hands in a prayer position in front of my chest. “I’d like to thank all of you for coming today, being present and moving your bodies with me. The light in me, honors the light in you. Namaste.”
The class repeats the mantra back to her and everyone starts to clean up and exit.
Dane turns to me, signing, “So, how’s Ethan?”
I knew Dane couldn’t wait to ask. I feel like he’s always checking on him and his wellbeing. Normally, that would be the case, but I think both Ethan and I have been more concerned with how Dane is feeling after what happened this week.
“He’s good. We were worried about you actually. How are you?”
