Teaching at a University though, that’s different. I feel like I have this obligation to not only make it knowledgeable and useful, but fun and passionate as well.
The hard part is, my love for life and that unrelenting passion I’ve been known to live every day with, is hanging on by a literal thread. I’ve got a vapor grip on said thread with more fake smiles and forged chuckles than I care to admit.
I need to get my shit together or else this heaviness that sits on my chest like an immovable boulder will make me self-implode.
I’ve been there once before and I don’t want to go back.
Shifting my head from side to side, I roll my shoulders, up and down, then close my eyes. It’s gotten better. Not seeing flashbacks of them—but they still come.
I push it away, practicing everything Mimi has been teaching me in her meditative yoga classes. I started taking them when Kobi called Seamus and told him what happened, which just pissed me off even further. I could have just pretended they never existed and none of my friends—that I now see on a daily basis—would have known any different.
Seamus immediately showed up at my door, we got shit faced drunk—which was the highlight of my month, considering that man hardly drinks anything that debilitates him in any way.
It was like old times, at least I felt like my old self, even if it was only temporary.
At some point during our drunken stupor, he talked me into taking Mimi’s yoga classes and I’ve been hooked since the first class.
Mimi is Seamus’ wife and an amazing yoga instructor. I met her last year when Seamus bought the house next door to hers—not unintentionally actually.
They met ten years ago at some summer camp, but they lost contact, not knowing where each other went until he saw her at our local lifestyle club, owned by another friend of mine here in Seattle.
Seamus is an ex-Navy SEAL and the most structured guy I’ve ever known, but after Mimi—the free spirited yoga instructor—came back into his life, well, let’s just say I’ve never seen him so chaotic.
There was this tantric massage class…I chuckle to myself at the memory. Yeah, it’s good to be close to friends right now. As much as I hate the whirlwind experience I had and how much my heart hurts, my friends quiet the noise a bit.
I’ve always been a bit messy and disorganized, but the chaos has never lived in my head like it does right now. My emotions flipflop between lonely and heartbroken or so angry that the fury consumes me. I miss the fun loving guy I used to be. I didn’t have a care in the world, and now, now I just want to turn it all off.
I wish I would have never met them.
My body sucks in a deep breath just to push it out harshly, almost subconsciously, like I don’t have any real control over it. They awakened feelings I’ve pushed down for so long and I hate that I’m reliving loss.
Taking one more look at my reflection, my newly cut short hair is still a shock, but I don’t hate it. The phantom hair sensation is real though. I still attempt to tuck it behind my ear, and it’s barely long enough to do that but it only hangs an inch or so over my ear and my natural waves are more apparent now with the shorter strands.
The phantom touch of her hand on my body and his cock in my mouth is fucking surreal, too. I know for a fact those aren’t real, but I still get the overwhelming feeling of loss after the ghost of a moment passes and it takes me back to square one.
Either way, a change was needed and I want to be taken seriously. Especially when I’m standing in front of a group of people who will probably challenge everything I say since I’ll only be a few years older than a majority of them, and younger than the rest.
Grabbing my keys, another new sensation occurs since I haven’t had to carry keys other than that of a hotel room key card in…well, a really long time.
They feel heavy with both the keys to my newly purchased condo and the 1993 Porsche 911 Carrera convertible that I decided I needed to get myself around. Not that my condo is far from the University, it’s within walking distance, but it rains alot and I’ve enjoyed having the convenience of it being that I’m on a structured schedule.
Plus, this car is fucking gorgeous. Taking her on drives along the coastline have reeled in my sanity more than I expected.
Starting the car, it roars to life with the rumble of an old but well-loved and well taken care of vehicle. I put the top down, being that there’s not a cloud in the sky on this rare Seattle day and exit my garage. The wind feels crisp, refreshing, and in another rare moment, I smile.
Maybe I could start to feel like my old self again.
I continue down the stretch of roadway, allowing the breeze to rip past me, turn my music up a notch too loud and enjoy the drive as I make my way to the restaurant.
It’s the first time in well over a year all the guys and I have been in the same place. Kobi is back in Japan and can’t be here, but the rest of us are all living here now, so there shouldn’t be as many excuses for us not getting together. The last time we were all together was for Jake'snot-so-bachelorbachelor party and Hudson ended up married.
I smile again at the thought. Yeah, a night out with friends is going to be the perfect distraction.
“Dane! Where’s your hair?” Ember stands as I walk up to the table where everyone is already seated. The entire group glances up and jaws drop.
Seriously, you’d think I tattooed my face or something.
“It’s just hair, it’ll grow back,” I say, giving her a side hug and a kiss on the cheek before I take my seat.
