Tonight was definitely a start. My mind flashes back to the moment I wrapped my hand around his length. The desperate whimper that played on his lips as I stroked him up and down. The pulsing of his cock as he came and his begging to please me.
Fuck.
I know I want more of whatever happened and I can’t help but wonder about the guy behind the wall. Was it the action of what I was doing that turned me on or was it him?
Hannah and I were both virgins before we met and I’ve onlyever had the emotional and sexual connection with her. But the way he talked to me, the way he helped me through tonight. It made me feel like he understood me. Like he knew it was my first time.
I’m not normally a sentimental person. In fact, I’m most often skeptical and annoyed by an over-saturation of feelings. Which is why I adore Hannah so much. She’s level-headed, straight to the point, honest, and doesn’t care what others think of her. She leads with more passion than emotion and it shows in how she supports me. How she supports us.
I hate the fact that I’m attracted to men. But she’s encouraging and confident in our wants and desires. I’m still questioning every thought and fantasy I’ve ever wanted. But that’s normal, right?
It really doesn’t matter though, we’re just exploring on this trip. Nothing more than that, and nothing more will happen when we’re back home.
Once school starts, Hannah will dive head first into being the star student she is and I’ll continue to chase her tail-feathers, as they say, like I normally do, struggling to reignite the passion I lost after the accident. I’ll never get it back, because I’ll never play baseball again.
Four years later and the trauma is still as apparent as these scars. The only thing I can focus on is the one good thing, Hannah. So, I’ll follow her wherever she needs me, supporting her and doing what I need to do to be good for her.
If I can’t be what I want to be in baseball, at least I can be what I want to be for her.
I crane my neck up over the top bunk and see her curled up on her side, her signature sleeping position. I have no idea how she falls asleep so fast. I mean, we had a long day but it’s not due to exhaustion. She just has this amazing ability to sleep anywhere, anytime, any place.
I still suffer from random bouts of insomnia and dream of the nights I can fall asleep like that.
I don’t know if those will ever come back for me. Peaceful nights.
The moment I close my eyes I still see the flash of jagged headlights mixed with the sounds of screeching tires and metal crunching together. I feel the weight of the medical bills because the drunk driver that hit us had no insurance and the heaviness of the debt my dad holds over my head sits like an elephant on my chest.
I will never tell her all that though. She thinks the surgeries she had were covered, and I’ll never tell her the promises I made to my father to make sure what she needed was provided.
I hate that he has that kind of hold on me, but she made it through one of the worst injuries a person can make it through, and I’ll never regret indebting myself to him for her.
Brushing her hair behind her ear, I place a kiss on her temple and step back, bending over to pull the covers down on the bottom bunk.
The door clicks closed behind me and I turn to see Dane coming through the door, walking a tad lighter than when he left. He points as he tilts his chin at the top bunk and I nod, putting my finger up to my lips with a quiet shushing noise.
We’ve stayed in hostels our entire trip, if they weren’t completely packed they were close to it. Dane is the first roommate we’ve had that has been respectful of our space and noise.
Well, except the fact that he was buck naked after he showered. Although, I can’t say that bothered me much. I couldn’t pull my gaze away from his body and it took everything in my power to clear my throat so I didn’t look like a complete creep watching him for longer than I should have.
He remains quiet as he steps closer to me. The strands of his golden hair are still damp but lighter now that the tips are dry. He still smells like he’s freshly showered with a hint ofsome spicy undertone as he leans in closer to whisper in my ear.
“I come to Paris a lot. Let me show you guys around tomorrow. You can see all the standard Paris stuff,” he air quotes copying what I said earlier, “and I can show you all the cool stuff you normally wouldn’t see.”
Pulling back, I feel the distance immediately.
We’re roughly the same height and weight. But his presence is commanding. It’s fun, friendly, and it’s easy to be drawn to him.
I glance up at the top bunk then back at him and nod. His smile grows in an instant and I can’t help but smile at how happy he is that I agreed to his invite. He pauses for a minute and I swear his eyes flicker down to my lips then back up to my face.
Something passes between us and for a moment I feel like he knows my secret. Like I don’t need to tell him with words that I’m bi-curious and unsure. That I find him attractive, that both Hannah and I do. I never really thought about my type in a guy. But if I did, I’m certain Dane would be it.
I don’t catch myself staring at his soft lips until a tiny lopsided smirk ticks up on the corner of his mouth; I quickly blink away and step back toward my bed, attempting to ignore the inferno of emotions running through every cell in my body. Even though my entire body feels like it’s on fire, I crawl into the bottom bunk leaving everything on as some form of armor from the sexy-as-sin gorgeous man sleeping in the bed directly across from me.
“Tomorrow then,” I say, ending the night and abruptly stopping any other silent moments to pass between us.
“Tomorrow,” he repeats. “Night, Ethan.”
And, as usual, I lay awake for hours, recapping the events of the day and overthinking on what the future looks like, before finally falling asleep.
