“Hiring that driver to hit your car was the best decision I ever made for you.” I flinch, as if his words are bricks launched at me with nothing but a paper shield to defend myself.
The room goes eerily silent as his eyes blow wide with his confession.
“What the fuck did you just say?” Dane asks, as he turns his gaze to him.
I’m trembling but stunned solid. It feels as if my soul has catapulted from my body and I’m living outside of myself.
He did that?
My mind speeds through memories of that night. The lights, the ear-splitting squealing of the rubber on asphalt that I still hear when I close my eyes. Hannah’s last words, shrieking my name, as I held my hand out over her body in a last attemptto protect her, before the crunch of the metal and the airbags deployed.
A shard of the dashboard panel blew out in some once-in-a-lifetime, rare instance. It cut straight through my hand and into Hannah’s neck.
The doctors said if it weren’t for my hand taking part of the damage, she would have died on impact. My hand—and coincidingly losing my baseball career—saved her life.
I’ve lived with guilt my entire life. Wondering how I could have done things differently. How I could have avoided him. But it was inevitable. All because my father made a decision to make it so.
He couldn’t control me or my decisions so he eliminated it the only way he knew how.
The structure and routine I have to have in my life, I know I get from him. The need to have a schedule and always be in control. I always viewed that as a good quality, but now I hate it. I hate that I’m rigid like him. I don’t want to be anything like him.
I splay open my palm, the skin still tight and tender from the scar as I appraise my hand.
I have no regrets. I never have. But I can’t say I’ll be able to stop myself from killing my father right now.
“You don’t see it now, but I saved you from a life of misery, son. A life of chasing a dream that most never achieve. They end up as drug addicts and homeless, sitting around a bonfire under a freeway talking about their glory days. That would have been you.”
I clench my fist and step toward him.
Dane steps in front of me, blocking my view of my father and my anger gets the best of me.
As if it has a mind of its own, my arm cannons forward, my scarred hand cupping around his neck as I slam him against the wall.
“You touch him, you know what he’ll do.” His voice is hoarse from my grip.
“I’m not going to touch him, I’m going to kill him.” My chest heaves and my breath is shaking. “He did this. He fucking did this! And Hannah…” I grind my teeth together, squeezing my hand tighter.
Years. For years my father has manipulated me, guilt tripped me, blackmailed me into an unavoidable life in an effort to control my every decision. He physically hurt me. Hannah. Hurdled me onto a path only he could steer. All because he cares so fucking much about his image. Everything is boiling over. I can feel the rage in my bones, all the emotions I’ve pushed down, the wall is finally breaking and the wrath is inevitable.
Dane’s face reddens, the pink flush turns to a deeper shade of red bringing out the blue in his eyes that match Hannah’s, and not just in color, but in the way he appraises me. The way the similar shade of cerulean gives me the comfort I’ve always needed.
He gazes at me without pity, without concern for himself but in pure admiration. Like he accepts every single part of me. The good, the bad, the scarred part of my physical body and soul.
His tight jaw slacks open, sucking in air as I soften my hold.
I lower my hand as my gaze drops to the ground, but he cups my face and he looks deeper into my eyes, pulling me back into the present. He always seems to know exactly what I need, how to get me centered. Just like Hannah.
The realization of how perfect they both are in balancing me out hits me square in the chest and suddenly I want nothing more than to do what’s best for them. For us.
“If you hurt him, you know what that starts, you know what kind of man he is and what he’ll try to do to you. I’m all in, whatever you decide…but think about Hannah.”
I lost everything that night including the power and control over my own life. All my decisions were forced by my fathers deceit and manipulation. Finally getting a little bit of that back is wildly dangerous and I can’t help but smile. It’s wide and mischievous, odd for me considering I hardly ever smile.
Dane looks terrified by this fact. He pushes himself further into the wall, as if it will swallow him whole. But I yank him against me, pressing our bodies together and kiss him like it’s the only thing that’s going to stop me from losing myself in this mess.
It’s all teeth and tongue and I love how he instantly melts into me. In his past relationships I know he’s been the one to always take the lead and be in control. But he’s always been mindful of my hesitation and curiosity. My uncertainty has set the dynamics in the relationship between the three of us and now all I can think about is giving him all of me, however he needs.
“Jesus fucking christ.” My father shifts uncomfortably in his stance, repulsed by our actions and I love how much I’m setting him off.
