And that grates on my nerves.
It’s natural to lean on someone you feel close to in a time of need but as I look at these three men staring back at me I realizeI’ve done that far too often in my life. And look where it has gotten me.
My trust issues are hitting hard.
I’m not sure if it’s the video I just saw, the betrayal I feel, or me just trying to sabotage everything in my life but I can’t handle Wade’s judgmental gaze. The embarrassment of this happening in front of them is devastating and mortifying.
So what do we do when trying to handle emotions we don’t understand, but can’t manage to control because of the overwhelming sensation of humiliation, uncontrollably lash out.
“What is your problem?” I stand, staring straight at him. His eyes widen and trail up with me as I rise to my full height. “Are you judging me? Do you want to tell me how stupid I am? Make fun of me like a million other people are right now?” His look is a mix of confusion and pity, as he shakes his head, but he remains silent, not fighting for me, not saying anything, and that pisses me off even more.
“Abby—” Major’s hand wraps gently around my elbow. His voice is soft and assuring as he attempts to calm me down but I hate how impersonal my real name sounds coming from his mouth with that tone.
“This was a mistake. Staying here was a mistake,” I say as I bend down to grab my phone. I’m being completely irrational. I know I am. The normally level-headed Abby is screaming at me from one side but the completely unreasonable, devastatingly heartbroken Abby is taking the wheel and there’s no stopping her.
“Abby, it’s not a mis—” Jasper stands, taking a step toward me but I put my hand up stopping him from continuing to move or talk. Even Jasper's kind tone sounds harsh to my sensitive ears.
I can’t do this. I need to form the words. I need to say them out loud because it’s the only way this won’t end up withme even more broken than I already feel. I can barely handle a relationship with one person, much less three. And what are they going to do, share me?
“This was never going to work.” I manage to spit out the words and they feel like razor blades on my lips. I hate it, because I know it was more than just sex. There was a connection. A desire we all shared. But I’m thinking too much with my broken heart to do anything that will continue to hurt me.
Major steps forward with purpose, his body language is demanding and I expect the same with his words but as he goes to open his mouth an ear splitting ringing blares through the station.
I have to bow my head and cover my ears as the deafening sound pierces my ears. The shrieking sound of the fire alarm bounces off the cement walls and echoes through every room in the station.
The guys all look at each other and Wade is the first to react, diving around the kitchen island and racing toward the lockers in the garage.
“Goddamn it.” Major runs his hands through his hair, then steps toward me. “Stay here, please stay here.” His eyes beg along with his words. I return a dispirited look and he frowns as he steps back because he knows.
He knows I won’t stay.
“Fuck,” Major spits out. A single word laced with so much mixed emotion. Frustration, hurt, anger. “Jasper, let’s go. Now.” He takes a giant leap back then turns, running into the garage behind Wade.
“No!” Jasper screams back at Major as he grabs my hands. “This can work, we will work.”
I can’t have him touch me right now. I can’t get pulled into this orbit I’ve been in with him, with them. His touch is soft andinviting and as much as I wanted that a few minutes ago, I need to protect myself. I pull my hands away and avoid his gaze. “You have to go, Jasper.”
“Abby, please.”
There he goes withAbby, too. These men have spoiled me with my nicknames so much that now I despise my real one.
“You have to go.” I pin him with a look that says I’m serious.
I have literally been saved by the bell and need to take full advantage of it. This is the perfect excuse to leave with no ties, nothing. “Go!”
Wade runs past the open doorway completely dressed in his gear, screaming for Jasper as the garage door opens. “We can’t stay for her, Jasper. We have to leave, right now!”
“Wade’s right,” I reply to Jasper.
Wade’s always been right. He’s been the stand-offish one. The one that makes the right judgment calls and thinks with more logic than heart, which is exactly what I need to do.
Jasper’s eyes squeeze shut, as if in pain then turns around, running into the garage with more speed than both of the others combined.
The truck's engine roars to life as Major runs to the passenger side and it begins to inch its way out of the garage. Jasper flies by jumping onto the back of the moving truck, pinning me with one last look. It's full of sadness and a silent plea, but it’s useless because today is over. It’s come to an end like it was always meant to.
I already feel so hurt and I have no interest in damaging myself any further.
And by the pained look he returns back at me, he knows it too.
