“This is hardly a problem. If you knew how some of the guys in my unit came back, you’d think I was a goddamn saint. I’m no drunk, I don’t do drugs, I don’t beat on any of you. So, I sometimes play the odds. Who doesn’t?”
“I don’t. Mama doesn’t. Trish and Jade don’t. You have a problem, Pops. You can’t stop, even when you say you want to. Even when I make it nearly impossible to slip up, you still find a way to mess this up. You were going to your meetings, weren’t you?”
“I stopped about a month ago. I figured you’d be banging on the door, chewing me out.”
Shit. “So, I get too busy to monitor you and you go off the rails?”
“This is hardly off the rails.”
“How much? Total, over the years have you lost? Do you even know?”
“RJ…”
I step closer, not letting him charm his way out of this. “How much?”
“I’m your father. You do not use that tone on me.”
I shake my head. “The total, Pops? Over eighty-five thousand dollars. You could have paid for Trish’s college with that. Jade’s. Mama could have had that new kitchen she’s always wanted. We could have gone on vacation, traveled to other countries. So many options that you took away from us. That you frittered away thinking you don’t have a problem. But you do, Pops. Whatever happened with the VA doc?”
“How’d you know about that?”
“It’s not important.”
He walks away from me, looking for Mama, hoping for a rescue. “You want to know? I made that appointment, but I didn’t mention this because it’s not a problem. I had them check my back, make sure it hasn’t gotten any worse over the years.”
“Pops—”
He gives up looking for Mama, finally facing me. “Listen. It’s late. I can’t do this right now, RJ.”
Just then, two cruisers flash their lights on, sirens blaring as they peel out of the garage, and I slam my eyes shut. Fuck, I hate this.
But when I finally feel good enough to open my eyes, Pops is there, his face unreadable. “Are you okay?”
“No. I’m not. I’m at the absolute last place I ever want to be, my heart is beating faster than a rabbit’s, and I’m sweaty enough that it might as well be eighty degrees out here instead of eighteen. But I’m here, for you. For Mama and Trish. For Jade, even if she doesn’t know it.” Closing my eyes, I debate keeping the last bit inside. But I can’t. He’s got to understand. “I’m here, rescuing you, just like always. Why can’t you even pretend to show the same support?”
He’s quiet, and I let him be. I’m out of words, those last ones hard enough to get out that I might be out for a while.
“Do you really feel like that?” he asks long after I’d given up getting a reply.
I nod.
“This never should have ended up on your shoulders.”
“No. It shouldn’t have,” I manage to reply.
He turns, familiar headlights flashing as Mama pulls up to the curb. “I’ll try. I can’t make any promises, but I’ll try.”
I let him leave, unsure if his trying will change anything. But I do know that this time, I can’t be his safety net. I won’t keep his secrets.
Trish knows. If Jade was home tonight, she probably knows, too, after watching Mama rush out to come rescue him.
Walker pulls up behind my parents, and as I climb into his car, I realize their problems aren’t mine anymore. I can’t make my dad change, no matter how much I wish I could. I did everything I could to keep him from slipping up, and it wasn’t enough, because he didn’t want to change.
He doesn’t want to.
If he wants help, I know exactly how to give it. But if he doesn’t?
It’s not my job to save him. It probably never was.
