But I get the words out, my own hands strangely still in his trembling grip. Then, with an announcement to the crowd from the officiant, Trips tugs me closer, his blue eyes electric, staying open as his fingers slip free from mine and cradle my face, his lips barely a whisper against mine.
There’s a silent promise in the strength of his gaze: no matter what happens tonight, he’ll be here for me. Together, we’ll find a way through. That even if everything falls apart, he’ll stay with me, building the future we’ve quietly imagined during those nights we laid awake hiding from the nightmares that assail us both.
And when he releases me, he moves to the side, creating space for Walker and me as well.
My sweet artist dips his chin, and I wish I could reach for him too, that they both could walk me down the aisle, that the crowd of politely clapping strangers were people we truly cared for.
Mattie hands me back my bouquet of feathers as we stride down the aisle hand in hand, the string quartet playing some happy screech.
Trips’ father doesn’t let his smile reach his eyes.
He’s still suspicious. There’s still danger for us. Little does he know, though, that the danger is mostly for him.
This smile is as real as they come.
Chapter 55
RJ
The buzz of the clippers against my scalp marks our progress, the change too big for me to watch. Jansen’s idle chatter does little to help with the discomfort of being shorn like a sheep.
Almost five years of growth. Gone.
I have no idea what I’m going to tell Trish when I see her again.
Jansen tries his best, and with my direction, I end up with a reasonable fade. I wonder if Walker would have been a better pick, but he was gone long before I woke up this afternoon. Either way, with my new hair and close-trimmed beard, I look like an entirely different man.
“How’s it feel?” Jansen asks, handing me the prop glasseswe had lying around.
I drop them on my face, and I hardly recognize myself. What was left of my youth disappeared with my hair, and the man that looks back at me is grave, contained. Joyless.
“Yeah. I get that,” Jansen says, responding to my silence.
I ignore my discomfort, looking for familiarity. “You’ve adjusted.” I point to his new piercings—a black gem on his nose and a hoop through his eyebrow—and the dark makeup smeared around his green eyes.
He hops onto the counter, forgetting that there’s still hair to be cleaned up. “It isn’t me, though. When this is done, I’ll keep the piercings, but this hair? Doing makeup every time I go out? No thanks. At least you don’t have to learn how to do nail polish. I still can’t do my right hand without smearing the stuff all over my skin.”
I push him out of the bathroom as he tries to show me his nails. “I’m taking a shower. There’s hair stuck all over me.”
My shower finishes faster than I’m used to, but I take a long time at the mirror, uncomfortable with the changes and worried about what Clara will think.
The feeling of her fingers in my coils, the tug she’d give against my scalp the moment before she shuddered under my tongue, God, even the way she’d traced the lines of my cornrows for those first few weeks on the run, unwilling to say much, but unable to sit still—they’re another piece of her I’ve lost.
Those sensory memories are gone.
The problem isn’t that it won’t grow back.
It’s that the teenager who grew out his hair at eighteen isn’t the man staring back at me in the mirror. And I’m not surethat she’ll like the man I’ve been forced to become over the last few months. I’m not sureIlike the man I’ve become.
I’m more sullen, focused on my work to the point of ignoring the people in my life. Despite my attempts to step up, at least half the time I’ve instead dove deeper into my obsessions. I haven’t been the person I’d promised I’d be before all this started.
I shake my head, knocking the spiraling thoughts out of my brain, not wanting to question the love I know Clara has for me. The same love I have for her. I know she’s probably a little different now, but that doesn’t change the way I feel about her. I have to trust that she feels the same.
Even if she’s getting married to my untrustworthy kind-of best friend in only a few hours.
Walker’s been silent since he left, but I still woke up early in case he needed me. It was the main reason I didn’t go with Jansen last night—I’m prepped to jump in if everything falls apart earlier than expected. Trips’ father gave his word that Walker won’t be in danger, but I'm not certain how much to believe him.
The man is a tyrant, but he also seems strangely big on keeping his promises. So, Jansen and I will run our parts of the plan alone without knowing if the rest of our team is where they should be, if they’re safe, if everything is still okay.
