I don’t look like a man who would love. Who would trust. Who has people he can count on or can make him smile.
Swallowing back the bile my empty stomach serves me at the revelation, a knock on the door warns me before Falk steps through, a second tux in his hands. “Your groomsman is at the gate. I’m supposed to sit in with you.”
I nod, not able to speak. Not right now.
“You look good,” he says, hanging Walker’s suit in the empty closet beside the bathroom.
“Thanks,” I croak.
“Nervous?”
I huff out a breath, folding myself into the too-small chair beside the bed. “Something like that.”
“For what it’s worth, I think the two of you are a good match.”
We are. But she’s not just a good match for me.
With Walker, she welcomes excess into her life in a way she can’t allow herself alone—an openness to experiences and sensations that I know I’ve been an unintended beneficiary of.
With RJ, she’s willing to open up, to be honest about her thoughts and feelings, to be vulnerable without risking being smothered by the rest of us trying to fix her problems.
And with Jansen, she’s free to laugh and play, something that is so foreign to me I always feel like an outsider when I watch them together. But because Jansen is Jansen, he drags me into the chaos with them, and as much as I grumble, I also like that I’m included.
I don’t want to be the cold, broken man I see in the mirror.
I want more.
With her.
With them.
I never figured I’d be willing to share my woman, whenever I found her—hopefully after my father died and I got out of his unbreakable grip. And once I realized I wanted Clara, but that she wanted more than just me, I figured that was it.
Then I almost killed her.
There’s no coming back from that. At least, there shouldn’t have been. Even when she made space for me, I tried to stay separate, partly as penance and partly to keep her safe.
But she wouldn’t let me stay away, knowing that’s not where I wanted to be, and not where she wanted me either.And whatever Clara wants, she works like hell to make happen.
She built closeness, intimacy, and fucking love that I never thought I’d have. Now that I have it, there’s no way in hell I’m giving it up.
It made me realize I need more than just Clara for this life to work.
I need Walker to remind me to enjoy the good shit we’ve got. To push me to relax sometimes. To feel the good, not just the bad.
I need RJ to stand by my side, to look forward and see the risks coming for us, and to create guardrails to keep us all safe. I need him because he sees problems like I do, and is just as willing to make tough choices to keep our family safe.
I need Jansen to teach me how to play. I don’t really know how to yet, and I want a chance to figure it out.
But most of all, I need Clara. To be the center of my world, of our world.
To fight with me, to push me to grow and change, to challenge me mind, body, and soul.
Today, I get that. If nothing else, I have her.
But now that I can see it, I want it all. I don’t want to settle for less.
The door cracks open, a guard ushering Walker into the room.
