‘Thank you,’ I say, glancing at my watch as surreptitiously as I can, as I do find him curiously boring. It’s not his fault, it’s just that he’s got no relevance to my future.
‘Now, on to the main event,’ he chimes, and wheels himself to a glossy white IKEA bookcase. He flicks through various notebooks and pulls one out. ‘The beginning!’
‘Whoopee,’ I say. I do remember how we met, where we met, what his hands did, what mine did, and the rest. It sits undigested in my mind, emotionless, as all memories do. Hollis, being a control freak, recorded everything as if we were some fairytale couple.
‘Listen to this! “I met a strange girl today. Looked like she’d dressed in a charity shop. A ripped tweed jacket, bright pink tights, a tiny leather skirt, big old army boots with not much in the way of laces, a T-shirt that said ‘RELAX’ and a red beret.”’
‘You were quite observant,’ I say.
‘I know,’ he says. ‘“She was actually begging at the time. Or I thought so because she held her hat out as I passed. I put a quid in there and she said the funniest thing.”’
‘What did I say?’
‘You don’t remember?’
‘I genuinely do not remember,’ I say. He still doesn’t realize that it wasn’t a good time for me and I didn’t have what he would recognize aschoice.
‘You said, “That’ll only buy you a quick feel, mate.” And I said, “How much for a slow feel?” and you said, “If you so much as touch me, I’ll break your nose.” I laughed my head off.’
‘Nothing coming back, Hollis.’
‘Oh, you must remember this, you said, “Do you live near here?” I said I did, and you said, “Make me a cheese sandwich and I’ll get you off.” And that’s what we did. Never met anyone like you before. Unreal.’
‘So I’m the girl you took to bed for a cheese sandwich? That’s romantic, Hollis,’ I say calmly, but I don’t like this version of myself. It belongs in a ravine, hidden under snow.
‘Yes, it was just banter.’
I want to tell him that he’s wrong. It was a negotiation. I washungry, so I had sex with him for a cheese sandwich. I had no feelings for him, or anything for that matter, and he thought it was just modern dating.
Hollis offered a way out, and although I had nothing at the time, I realized later that I’d priced myself well below market value. But on that afternoon, as I was devouring that Cheddar, white bread and margarine sandwich in a reasonably warm flat, I felt like I was the one who’d bagged a bargain.
I learned two important lessons based on my experiences on the street. The first is that without bricks and mortar, every day is a losing battle. The second is that in terms of a pleasure versus pain ratio, you can do a lot worse than establish yourself as an upper-middle-class banker’s wife.
‘And then you just stayed. And I made you a cheese sandwich every day, and we got to know each other.’ He winks at me. ‘“Her name, she tells me, having slept with her three times (unusual order, but she said she can’t tell me intimate things like her name until we get all the pleasantries of fellatio, cunnilingus and sodomy out of the way) is Lola. She’s so funny, my stomach aches.”’
He used to laugh every time I was just being honest. If I said I wanted to break into a shop at 2 a.m. because I wanted Marmite, he’d laugh, and then when I did that exact thing, he was in absolute awe.
‘I won’t read the next bit,’ he says.
Which is, I hazard a guess, the bit when he asked if I wanted to meet his family, and I told him if he ever asked that again, I’d kill his dog. He realized I might be telling the truth and stopped. I wouldn’t have hurt his dog, mind you. I have enormous respect for a dog’s ability to manipulate its owner and live a life of luxury with minimum contribution.
I sip weak coffee as Hollis regales me with our exciting and dramatic life together. In truth I can see how it felt dangerous and adventurous for him, but that’s men for you, they only see the world in terms of their own pleasure centres. I laughed as much as he did, but I was just about surviving.
‘Hollis,’ I say, stopping him. ‘It all sounds so sordid and tawdry.’
‘But it was real. Our little flat was the whole world and when I was at work, I just wanted to get back to you and our bed. You were like nothing I’d ever known.’
‘That’s just sex talking, Hollis.’
‘No, it’s much more than that. You lit up my world.’
‘Really?’ I say, as that certainly wasn’t what happened to me. Perhaps I’m just better in bed than I imagined. I should’ve charged more on the street.
‘You were an anarchist, a narcissist, a nymphomaniac, a thief, a rebel, and you were so unkind to me, it blew my mind. And the sex...’ Hollis stops and looks at me with some kind of expectation.
‘No, Hollis,’ I say.
‘Too early?’
