‘You don’t sound too positive about that.’
‘The thing is, Lalla, it’s weird, but I’m not scared in here. For the first time in so, so long, I’ve not felt that constant nagging sense that some man might say or do something to me,’ says Cait, then she pauses. ‘I’ve been afraid all my life of one thing or another.’
‘What did you call for?’ I say, a little abruptly as I’m not her counsellor.
‘I just wanted to talk about Jason Mercer,’ she says.
‘Good, so that’s on tape now,’ I say.
‘Hairy Mary won’t let us down, Lalla.’
‘And there’s my name too! Fantastic.’
‘Well, you’re on the call log anyway.’
‘Can we just keep names out of it, please? And any reference to anything criminal.’
‘Don’t worry, I’ve got it all covered. I just worked out who killed Owen.’
‘Oh, good,’ I say, and wish I had popcorn instead of mango.
‘Jason Mercer didn’t kill Owen, as you pointed out. Mercer was sent out to collect a debt from Owen, but as Owen wasn’t at my house, I think Mercer must’ve been snooping around all my friends to see if anyone knew anything. And that’s when he ran into you.’
‘Yes,’ I say, trying to keep her from noticing the obvious flaws in her logic. ‘That seems very plausible.’
‘And as you rubbed him out, he couldn’t return to his crime syndicate. And what are they going to think, would you say?’
‘He took the money and ran away?’
‘No, that Owen killed him! That’s why they put a hit out on Owen. I think I’ve solved it, right?’
‘Yes,’ I murmur in pleasure, as Fen touches a sensitive spot in the centre of my foot.
Chapter45Partnership
Tuesday, 17 December
Mirrors do not tell lies. Mine tells me that I’m extremely attractive. Tonight, the bar glistens with glass and gold, and I’m slightly jealous of the people who get to look at me as I sip a martini, elegant as an actress in my silver dress.
I was not always like this. Becoming beautiful has been a carefully stage-managed process, but it starts with what’s inside. As a girl I always wore the prettiest dresses, but inside, I was a dishevelled creature of dark desires. I felt like a grotesquely stitched together mismatch of monster and doll.
I was only five when I remember first gaining some control over these mismatched inner and outer worlds. I stole someone’s favourite doll, and the pleasure silenced the inner turmoil for a time. I knew, instinctively, that I should keep this secret pleasure hidden from others’ eyes, but I kept the doll as a memento of that first feeling. Nelly has it now.
My mother tried to love me, despite these crimes, for which I’m grateful. Children who are easy to love tend not to steal, lie, stab or disappear from their rooms at night. I think she thought it was all down to him, but I don’t think it was only him. It wasn’t his hatred that made me weak, it was her love that mademe strong. One violent man can do a lot of damage, but one strong woman can do a great deal more.
The man sitting along from me at the bar has a buttery complexion, dyed hair, and a forehead so shiny it looks like it’s been polished with grease. His open-necked baby-blue silk shirt is so taut it gapes around his belly button. Even from the distance of two bar stools, I can smell his musky perfume and vape-smoke. In the mirror, his bleach-whitened teeth shine like warning beacons and his heavy gold rings glint with menace.
His name is Josh Krill. He’s not a crime boss, but an influential partner at Stephen’s bank. According to Stephen, his word can make or break a prospective partner. We’re both drinking expensive cocktails in the Rivoli bar. He bought a cocktail that cost £120. This is merely part of his courtship display.
He might say the same about my flattering low-cut dress that almost falls from my shoulders, and the glittering platinum and emerald necklace that dances on the smooth skin between my neck and chest. Every now and then his eyes glance over at me as if I’m wearing an all-you-can-eat buffet sign.
I don’t mind the Ritz. Their drinks are well mixed, their bar staff impeccable, and their waiters most attentive. It’s the customers I object to. Setting this up has been no trouble at all as Stephen told me that Josh was particularly attentive to the interns, so I messaged Josh via a fake LinkedIn account to ask for advice on getting an internship. I used a rather beautiful photograph of Aimée as my profile picture, and Josh was quick to reply.
We went back and forth on a professional level, then he suggested we move the conversation to WhatsApp, where things became more casual and even a little flirty. Before I knew it, and in response to my desperation to learn from him, he suggested we meet privately to share his wisdom, adding ‘and anything else that might occur between consenting adults’.
Well, I’m only human, and my fake self was overwhelmed by the heady mixture of gladiatorial preening alongside the kind suggestion of an illicit relationship with an older man inexchange for his hand on my arse as he pushed me up the corporate ladder.
I replied with emojis to suggest my current state – prayer hands along with shivers of excitement, although in truth, I was patching up Nathan’s grazed knee after a fall. I reminded Josh that I was only a recent graduate and explained that I couldn’t pay him anything for his advice. Josh’s response to this was so honest and caring that I was quite touched:
