‘A man hunting a whale in revenge for taking his leg? Not a flattering analogy.’
‘It’s been a long search,’ says Hollis reflectively.
‘I’m not always right in reading people, Hollis, but you seem less like a man who’s finally found his true love again, and more like a man who’s got the weight of the world on his shoulders. You think I’m just in it for the money?’
‘No, of course not. There’s something else,’ he says, looking away and tapping the table.
‘That sounds ominous.’
‘I’d never written a will before, you know. And well, I was so worried about your turnaround that I wrote one last night, Lalla, and you’re not in it. You’d get nothing if I died.’
‘I was going to suggest it myself. I want nothing from you,’ I say, my pulse almost stopping, but it won’t take long to conjure up a plan to make him change his will back in my favour. ‘I presume your cheap little flat was also a test?’
‘I didn’t want you to like me just for my money,’ he says.
‘Well, I’d love you if you had nothing,’ I say. ‘After all, I once did. I’m not someone who cares about all those status symbols.’
‘That means so much,’ he says and smiles warmly. And we stare into each other’s eyes for what would feel like far too long even if I were in love.
Hollis grabs both my hands. ‘Look, if we’re going to start again, I want us to be able to be completely honest with each other.’
‘Yes, of course,’ I say.
‘Call it an amnesty,’ he says. ‘Whatever you tell me now doesn’t count, right? We say it all and then we move on.’
‘But there isn’t anything to tell you.’
‘Yeah, I totally get that,’ he says, then smiles. ‘But I want to talk about the day I fell.’
‘What for? It’s not something I remember at all.’
‘Yeah,’ he says. ‘It makes me wonder if you blocked something out.’
‘Like what?’ I look at him struggling with his thoughts.
‘Something you did that you don’t want to think about. Something you can’t face.’
‘Like the trauma and pain of it all?’ I say.
‘No, before that. Before the fall, in fact,’ he says.
‘I have no idea,’ I say, looking as innocent as possible.
‘I remember it in two different ways, and I’ve been thinking over the years that maybe I joined the dots wrong,’ he says. ‘Trauma can do that. You fill the gaps.’
‘As interesting as this is, Hollis, don’t you think we should go home to bed?’ I say, although I’m wondering if sex without testicles is even possible. I decide to google it later.
‘Look, I know I’m struggling a bit,’ he says, and holds my gaze. ‘I’ve got these two versions in my head of what happened the day I fell.’
‘Go on, then, what are they?’
‘In the first one, I hear you shout “Watch out, rocks!” I look up, lose my balance and stumble. You try to grab me, and I fall.’
‘And the other version?’ I ask.
‘That’s even harder to imagine. Maybe so hard, I suppressed it.’
‘What are you getting at?’ I say.
