‘The answer’s no,’ she says defiantly.
‘You’re one question away from being exposed. The press would be camped outside your door. Lawrence’s political career would be up in smoke, and you’d be themiddle-agedwoman seduced by a toy boy who took you for a ride, in both senses of the word. Adams wouldn’t accept being associated with such a scandal.’
Tor stares hard. Her head is shaking. ‘Did you plan this? You and Zac? Is that why you wanted to meet him?’
‘Not at all, Tor, I’m just seeing an opportunity.’
‘I’ll never forgive you,’ says Tor.
‘Luckily,’ I say, ‘that’s not something I’ve asked for.’
Chapter68Resignation
Tuesday, 21 January
I’ve locked Stephen in the cellar. He’s upset but, in my defence, so am I. All he wants to do is talk about the divorce, which is really irritating me as he doesn’t know that I know abouther, and he’s trying to tell me that we’ve just ‘drifted apart’.
Georgie clearly hasn’t told him about our meeting either, or mypregnancy,which either suggests that she’s scared that he’ll finish it, or that they’re not all that close, let alone suitable to live in the same house till death parts them.
At the moment, I can’t deal with Stephen, as I’ve got to focus on Nelly and her examinations; she must believe she got in on her own merit. We’ve just completed one set of practice questions, when Nelly asks to go to the loo. I hear Stephen, who clearly has no dignity, begging through the cellar door for his daughter to free him. Bless her, she refuses, but I don’t realize this is only until he offers an inducement.
Minutes later, Stephen appears in the kitchen with a moustache drawn on his upper lip. This was the cost of his freedom. Nelly thinks it’s hilarious and dashes upstairs in case I don’t find it funny. She’s wrong, however. Stephen with a fake curly moustache paints the picture of this tinpot lothario extremely well.
‘You think that’s funny?’ he asks.
‘It is,’ I say. ‘I think it’s the curls. Humour is all in the detail.’
‘Not the bloody moustache, locking me in the cellar.’
‘Stephen, I know that when emotion is involved, you feel it gives you additional rights in the world, but it doesn’t. A carrot with feelings is still a carrot. I’m planning our future. It’s rather complex and, quite frankly, much easier to manage if you’re locked up and can’t spread your vile ideological nonsense about divorce.’
‘I want to talk to you properly!’ he says, stooping unattractively.
‘I know you do. And I know what you’ll say. You’re going to say that you love me, but that you don’t love me like that any more, and you’re going to use the fact that I find accessing emotion hard to label me as cold and tell me you need space to find yourself. Am I right?’
‘No, Lalla,’ he says firmly, then goes quiet. ‘Well, yes, actually.’
‘Love doesn’t mean thrilling each other every day, Stephen. Love means committing to a future together, forming a shield against the world. Love is a plan, not a feeling.’
‘But without feeling, it’s all meaningless.’
‘Children, houses, and history are not meaningless. I’ve formed an attachment, and I don’t make attachments easily. And this is the thing, Stephen. I even feel affectionate towards you, which, given the amount of different things I have to balance, is an achievement.’
‘But that’s how my parents existed, Lalla – attached but without love. I want more.’
‘So did Oliver Twist, and he ended up with Bill Sykes, so watch what you wish for.’
‘I want love and affection,’ he says, banging the table dramatically.
‘You have Nathan for one,’ I say, ‘and your mother for the other.’
‘You know what I mean – romantic love.’
‘You want romance but you don’t want sex with me?’
‘I don’t want sex with you because there’s no romance,’ he says.
‘Are you sure that’s why?’
