I've got to get better. I’m trying, but it needs to happen, and fast.
So I do the only thing I can think of and reach for my phone to schedule another appointment with Anita, and thankfully, thankfully, she has drop-in slots open today.
I was doing so well and crawling out of my own hole until I betrayed myself and started lusting after the guy who least deserves it.
Wincing, I push myself off of the couch and strip the sheets, throwing them into the washing machine on my way to the bathroom. While I wait for the shower to warm up, I scrub my boxers with cold water and hand soap the way I always have. Back at home, I had to hide all evidence of my involuntary, dirty transgressions, and I now know that nothing has changed.
Into the shower I go, and I use a lot more pressure than usual when cleaning myself off. I’m no dirtier than normal, at least abovemy waist and below my knees, but Ifeellike I am. There’s something tenacious settling across my body, so I stop just short of scraping my skin off with my fingernails.
I do the same in my groin, where I really need it.
My dick stiffens, clearly missing the memo.
No. Down. You’ve done enough for today.
My shaft pulses in protest as I yank my hand away, and I hiss a frustrated breath through my teeth, rinsing the soap off and thinking about all the assignments I haven’t done as an ineffective distraction.
Water off, towel dry, get dressed. Then I’m off to my impromptu appointment where I’ll hopefully get my bearings, and some advice on how to control myself.
“Hi, Callum,” Anita says as I walk into her office. “How are you?”
I offer a noncommittal, “I’m okay, thanks.”
“What brings you here last-minute?”
After leaning forward in the armchair and picking at a fingernail, I catch her up on the whole dorm evacuation and moving in with Ian, before pausing to consider how I can explain my crush without looking like a total perverted creep.
While I've mentioned him before, she doesn't know the full extent of how bad I have it for him. Not yet.
“I also have constant, unwelcome, and inappropriate thoughts about him,” I say. “It isn't fair to him that I think about him like that.”
Anita takes a quiet breath, finishing up a note in my file. “Are you doing anything differently, either in your thinking or your behavior around him?”
“My thinking?” I grit my teeth. “Same as always—I’m telling myself that this isn't right and that I need to fix it. And I'm trying not to be weird around him, but hey, I'm me, so that's easier said than done.”
Anita doesn’t laugh at my poorly timed levity, and she puts her pen down, fixing me with a softer expression than I've seen heruse before. “Intimate thoughts about someone you're attracted to are completely natural.”
“Yeah, Iknowthat, but it still feels wrong to keep having them. He doesn't know I’m gay, and I justknowhe doesn't want me to be attracted to him.” Rubbing the bridge of my nose, I search for the right words. “I guess I'm too weak to properly control myself.”
“So let me get things straight,” she starts. “You say Ian is kind, friendly, he opened his house to you with no strings attached, and on top of that, you found him attractive as soon as you saw him.”
I nod, and heat floods my ears. “Yeah, he’s kind of irresistible.”
“You aren't weak for liking him,” Anita says firmly. “You're allowed to like him. But if it's not reciprocated like you say, it's important to manage that so it doesn't consume you.”
“Sounds easy enough,” I say. “What would that look like?”
“Do you think it might be helpful to get some distance from time to time?”
“We live together,” I remind her.
Anita offers me a warm smile. “Physical distance isn't all that matters. For a start, you could see friends who aren't Ian. That's not to say you twocan'tspend time together, but for a while, you could let him initiate plans instead, if you're the one suggesting them.”
My mind replays the start of our most recent hangouts, and pretty much all of them, save for a couple of workouts or study sessions here and there, were because he asked me. So I tell her.
“Right, so he keeps himself busy, but often invites you to spend time together,” Anita repeats. It seems like she's thinking or holding backsomething, but I can't tell what. “I can also suggest time, because it hasn't been very long. He sounds like a very good friend, and after a while, it’s possible that you accept him in that role, rather than as an unrequited interest.”
“It’s already been a month,” I mutter. “Shouldn’t that be long enough?”
