I try to power through it, and the twisting lingers deep in mystomach. So much for being normal—I can’t even jerk off like other guys without being weird about it.
Still, Iknowthat nobody’s coming for me. I’m alone in my room with a bag full of free lube and the same sex drive I’ve always had, only now, it’s less of a betrayal and more of an annoyance.
One day, it might be something I can appreciate.
That day is not today. Words that I heard out loud almost every day until two weeks ago echo in my head.
You're corrupted. Unworthy. Spineless. Disgusting.
Abnormal.
Deviant.
I kept every part of myself hidden from my parents. They didn’t know about my solitary sexual escapades, or at least Ihopethey didn’t, but I still got thinly veiled warnings about rotting away if I succumbed to temptation. Always theoretical, of course—I don’t even want to think about the wrath I’d face if they knew how I kept constantly giving in to myself.
Sighing, I pull the blankets over me to hide from nobody and turn onto my stomach, hoping sleep comes for me.
Now, like how it was back at home, sleep is the only reprieve I can get.
CHAPTER FIVE
IAN
Report Part 1 - Submitted 4:57 p.m.
Oh, man. The rush of relief and satisfaction that comes with turning something in on time hitsdifferent. I lean back in the library chair and crack my knuckles while shaking stiffness out of my body. The first part of this awful self-inflicted report was the last thing standing between me and a full week of assignment-less freedom, and man, I can't wait.
Nick wants to get wild and wasted tonight, and he's having me, Sabrina, and Laura over at his place to do just that, before going to The Barrel, a bar in town with lax ID checks, to get wilder and wasted-er. More wasted. Whatever.
I text Nick my go-to order of vodka and transfer him the cash on my way out.
Great. One of the exit turnstiles is broken, and there’s a bottleneck. I take a breath, waiting, and because I'm shameless, my eyes roam around and catch on a tall, hunky guy. Hot damn?—
Oh. It's Callum. Oops.
He's wearing a flannel again today, and holy hell, blue is his color, hands down. He shouldn't be allowed to wear anything else.
Okay, I should stop before I get carried away. I'm notsupposedto check him out, but this is only harmless, friendly admiration.
I mean, I can still look, right?
We haven’t seen each other in a while, since Nick always makes me late to our shared lecture. Sure, Cal and I have shared a few nods of acknowledgement here and there, but nothing more.
I should invite Callum to hang out sometime.
Hold up. Nick said that tonight is an open invite. I’ll bring Callum along if I can. Chilling with him outside of class would be sick.
“Yo, Callum!” I give him a quick upward nod, which he returns after a pause. He’s still outside the turnstiles, but I want to talk to him.
I leave the line and approach.
“What’s up?” he asks.
“Nick’s having a party at his place tonight. Wanna come?”
His eyes widen, and I can't tell if he's shocked, confused, or offended. I hope he's none of those and is receptive instead.
“Oh, I can’t, sorry. I’m about to start a shift here.”
