“We were fast friends and soon our relationship turned romantic, except that, from my point of view now, I daresay that it was one-sided.”
“How so?”
He hesitated for a moment, but the weight of relieving himself of it all was too tempting.
“Catriona was rarely affectionate. I had told myself that it was because she was an educated woman, too refined in that her mind was preoccupied to be distracted with basic humaninstincts. But the idea of her, of us together, was too tempting for me. I was in awe of her mind and mistook it for love, or at least that’s what I have to believe.” He smirked, bitterly. “I think she accepted my proposal at the behest of her father. It wasn’t until the day before the wedding last autumn that I was made aware of her relationship with an English peer that she had met during some lecture. They had been writing to one another ever since, but her father didn’t approve of him for reasons unknown to me. But it seems she couldn’t bear the thought of marrying me, because she ran away to be with him and I never heard from her again.” His mouth quirked to the side as the memory of their last meeting engulfed him. “I was not completely unaware of her feelings, although I must admit now that I wasn’t as attentive as I should have been. I should have listened more to what she wasn’t saying.”
Grace’s brow flinched.
“How could you listen to what she wasn’t saying?”
He sighed, amazed that he was revealing so much of the things he had gone over and over in his mind since being left by Catriona. But the darkness of the carriage that engulfed them made him feel comforted. Perhaps it was the company too.
He shook his head.
“When I asked her if she was happy and she said yes, but the expression on her face said otherwise. When I asked her if there was something I should know about when she started acting sad, she told me not to worry. I should have recognized the anxiety she was displaying. I should have been able to see it, to identify it.”
“You wanted to diagnose the problem between you.” A long pause followed his confession. “And did you forgive her?”
“Forgive her for what? Loving someone else? It’s hardly a thing to forgive. Besides, she doesn’t require it of me.”
“But you might.”
James’s gaze lifted and he saw Grace staring at him.
“Yes, I forgave her. I hold no ill will toward Catriona and what’s more, I’m grateful that she left. It would have been a miserable life to be married to someone who didn’t love me.”
“And you loved her?”
“I thought I did.”
Another pause followed and James felt a creeping sensation crawl up his spine, as if Grace might begin to pity him. Wanting to suddenly be out of her presence, he moved to leave the carriage.
“It seems your aunt’s medicine has vanished, if there ever was some to begin with. Let’s return—”
But Grace’s hand touched his forearm and he stopped as a wave of heat wafted over him.
“Your aunt told me you were outside the idea of companionship.”
James’s brow crinkled.
“Yes, you said as much.”
But Grace was shaking her head.
“No, I mean… It was why I wanted to study with you. Because you were supposed to be incapable of amorous feelings.”
James frowned.
“I’m sorry to say that I’m not. I’m only human, Grace.”
The use of her name seemed to reverberate around them as she stared at him; she appeared almost in a panic.
“You must though.”
Confused, he slowly sank back down to the velvet seat.
“Why must I?”
