It’s a good question, one I haven’t had the guts to really ask myself, to be honest.
I swallow, shifting in my seat. I know I can trust Payden. She’s my friend. But this is like a deep dive into the depths of my soul kinda stuff. I take a breath, then blurt it out, “I’m afraid of getting too close, and then him hurting me all over again.”
She sits back in her seat, analyzing me while she thinks. “So, basically you’re ga-ga for him, but you won’t let yourself get too close in case he leaves for a second time?”
“I’m not ga-ga for him,” I retort.
“And because of that, you remain the one in control when it’s just sex without any promises or commitment,” she goes on as if I haven’t spoken. “You get to kick him out, not the other way around, and it keeps him dangling on a string, right where you want him.”
I blink. “You think I’m dangling him on a string?”
She’s blunt, I’ll give her that.
“Okay, that was a tad dramatic, but I’ll bet he’s the one who keeps calling and coming around, right?”
“I’m the one who instigated our, uh, union the first time.” I point out. “I didn’t exactly drag him kicking and screaming.”
“I’ve seen the way he looks at you, how he shows up for you, Wills, he’s completely head over heels.”
“Right,” I grumble. “That’s why he left.”
“You said it yourself, you were different people then.”
“He blamed my career, making out he was ‘letting me spread my wings’.” I shake my head. “He could’ve just said:I don’t want to be married anymore.”
“Uh huh, is that why he won’t give you a divorce?”
I open my mouth, then close it again. “Very funny.”
She pokes out her tongue. “Maybe you should give him a second chance, unless you aren’t even thinking about reconciling?”
“I don’t know what I want,” I say truthfully. “A big part of my identity was me with Haze. Now I’ve been by myself for so long, working my way up in the force, I’m used to things how I like them. I don’t know how he’d fit back into my life, or me in his.”
“I get that, but you really have to tell him if you don’t want anything more. He walks around like a lovesick puppy.”
“He does not.”
I lean back in my chair. Annoyance washing over me. Not from her, but from this whole situation. Sex really doescomplicate everything. Even if we haven’t even been in bed together for over a year.
“Maybe he really did want you to spread your wings, baby girl.” She smiles wistfully. “And just maybe it wasn’t about leaving and more about growing. I’m not saying his leaving was a good thing, but maybe it was the wrong time, not the wrong guy.”
“Stop trying to make sense of a bad situation,” I say. “You’re supposed to agree with me that he’s an ass and getting together was a bad decision.”
She taps her chin, a smile playing on her lips. “Whatever you say.”
I point at her. “Don’t give me that look.”
She zips her lips just as Carl, one of my colleagues, sticks his head in the doorway. “Hey, boss lady.” He smiles over at Payden. “Me, Luke and some of the others are going downtown for drinks, you too good to still drink with us?”
“Sorry, I wish I could. My dad’s in town,” I explain. “But count me in next time.”
He gives us both a chin lift. “If you change your mind, you know where we’ll be.”
When he’s gone, Payden goes to stand. “I’ve gotta get going.”
“You can’t just emotionally destroy me and then leave.”
“I’m hopelessly single, you shouldn’t listen to anything I say unless you can get me a date with Logan.” She wiggles her eyebrows. “Though, I’d have to do all the talking.”
