Avery
Ironically, I don’t have to go very far for the thing I don’t want to do.But when Sienna asked me to replace her as a podcast guest alongsideQueer Girl Summerdirector Silke Meisner, I found it hard to say no.Strangely, part of me even wanted to say yes.I wouldn’t call it an enthusiastic yes, but Nic was sitting next to me, and I’d just got back from a session with Jan, and the moment conspired perfectly against me—and my decision-making skills.
So here I am.In a swanky studio in Silver Lake to record an episode of a podcast calledMore Than One Thing, in which, according to the official information online, the host interviews people who ‘contain multitudes’.Don’t we all, I thought when I first read that, but I haven’t come here to question the premise.I’ve come here to talk about myself and our movie and answer a few very queer questions because the theme of this episode is ‘Queer Visibility vs.Queer Privacy’.
“Just your cup of tea,” Nic joked when I told her.
The host is a lovely woman named Romy Reyes who, Silke told me, is quite the celebrity in the world of podcasts.She’s poised and exudes the kind of calm that usually comes from experience.
Fifteen minutes in, Romy asks me the dreaded question.“You’ve been very private about your personal life over the years.What made you decide to be visible now?”
“It wasn’t exactly a choice,” I say, which is true, but also a touch defensive.“For the record, I don’t agree with how tabloids and gossip websites work.Exploiting privacy for profit.But I chose to be an actor and, apparently, you can’t have one without the other.So, that choice was made for me, and many others before me.”
Deadline for Lovehas been a massive hit and, according to Leslie, that picture of Nic exiting my house has a lot to do with that—“without discrediting the movie in any way, of course,” she assured me.
“Tabloid practices aside, how do you feel about being a queer icon?”Romy asks a question I dread even more.“Thanks to your movie, of course, Silke,” she says, giving me a moment to think about my reply.
I could be defensive again.Deny this silly status I’ve somehow acquired.Or I could just own it.Being with Nic, and therapy with Jan have made me see things from a different perspective.
“I definitely think ‘icon’ is too ludicrous a word.”I haven’t changed my mind about that, although I do sometimes say it to Nic when I’m trying to get my way.“But yeah, I’m definitely queer.And doingQueer Girl Summerhas changed me.Not just because that movie went stratospheric, but because it was just so incredibly, unapologetically queer.At first, I felt a bit uncomfortable with that because I didn’t want to be seen only as that queer actor who bared her breasts in the woods, you know?But, very much like the title of this podcast, I’m more than just queer.”I pause to think.Nic and I have had so many conversations about this by now that I find it pretty easy to talk about what I previously had such difficulty with.“But Iamalso queer, and the kind of visibility this movie has created for queer people, and queer actors in particular, is also a privilege.I see that now.”
Jan has also made me realize a thing or two about myself and how I was raised to not show vulnerability because it was unhelpful at the time.My childhood was more about getting by than about nurturing emotions.But I’m a big girl now, and my emotions are allowed to be big and bold and all over the place.
I glance at Romy who just lets me speak—a bit like therapy, really.
Silke gives me the smallest nod.She’s probably in shock, hearing me say this.
“Today, I can honestly say I’m very proud that I’ll be playing another queer role in Mimi St.James’s next movie.”Mimi sent me the final script last week, and it absolutely blew me away.I’m so glad I didn’t say no because I didn’t want to play queer again.
“I can’t wait to see that,” Romy says.“Do you ever feel people expect you to be someone for them, just because you’re visible?”
Oh, fuck.This really is like therapy.Sienna’s gone and done it again.That bitch.
“I definitely think that fame is a double-edged sword.And going from ten years onEcho Bayto a smash-hit likeQueer Girl Summerwas… a lot.”I look at Silke, who is, in many ways, responsible for this huge change in my life, but she sits there unperturbed.She’s probably enjoying the hell out of this.“I’m aware of the huge privilege, don’t get me wrong.”I would rather swallow my tongue than say this out loud—I’m still very much a work in progress—but, lately, I often think of the insecure teenager I was, with not many people or places to turn to, and how, perhaps having a queer role model might have helped me feel less alone.
“But I have felt compelled to project some sort of impossible image of perfection, because when you’re queer in public, you can’t make any mistakes, because of how it can reflect on the community.”I give a wry chuckle.“But perfection isn’t really my jam.”Hence me shoving that douchebag in that bar—but I’m not talking about that in public.
“It’s no one’s jam,” Silke interjects.“As a movie director, the idea of the perfect movie is the first thing you have to let go of.But it’s persistent.It’s a human flaw we have that we can’t shake, possibly increased by the times we live in.We’re always trying to prove something.But if you look at a movie set as a microcosm, then you quickly realize that imperfection is the norm.Basically, making a movie is exactly like life because the largest part of it is dealing with one thing after another, whether you’re queer or not.”
“Some might sayQueer Girl Summeris the perfect movie.”Romy fangirls over Silke for a bit, which is a joy to witness—and gives me a break.
Then Romy turns to me again and asks, “How has being in a relationship changed you?”
Leslie made sure Romy signed a document forbidding her to bring up the ethics of how Nic and I got together, but I guess she’s allowed to skirt the edges.And I don’t mind talking about Nic.
“I’m still the same person, although I’ve definitely also changed.”Butterflies still somersault in my stomach when I talk about Nic.“Being loved is a kind of permission to… soften.To take off the armor.To stop performing and projecting the kind of strength you may not actually have.It doesn’t make you someone new, but it lets you become more of who you really are.”And hasn’t that been the hardest lesson for me to learn?I still struggle with it every day, but Nic makes it easier on me—she makes every little thing easier, really.
After the recording I text Nic.
Congratulations.You’ve turned me into someone who talks about their feelings in public.
She replies with three fire emojis followed by:
God help us all.
Chapter38
Nic
