Inside my head, the struggle is real.Because what I want to do more than anything is wrap my lips around her nipple, but it also kind of feels like there’s no space for what I really want right now.
“Conflicted,” I say, truthfully.
“About?”
“How much I want to kiss you right now.”
“Take a breath,” Nic says.“Just feel whatever you feel.You don’t have to share it with me, but just… feel it.”
How I hate to be told what to feel.Although, perhaps, that’s not what this is.Indeed, part of me knows very well that’s not what this is.It’s only what I like to make of it.
“It’s okay.”Nic holds me a little tighter.“I think it’s lovely to just lie here with you.”
I let out a long breath so Nic knows I’m trying—and I am.This kind of intimacy is so not who I am.But her skin is warm against my cheek and it’s also somehow soothing to lie here with her, not thinking about anything in particular.To know I’m perfectly safe.Nothing bad will happen if I’m not constantly in motion.If I just let whatever I’m feeling, including the things I’ve always tried very hard not to feel, pass by and drift into nothing.
Maybe therapy is rubbing off on me after all.
And even though it’s totally different—the opposite, really—it also reminds me of the time we had sex and Nic completely topped me.Another first for me.Maybe she’s just really good for me.Maybe I won’t push her away.I hope so, because this I do feel: Dr.Nicola Forbes is a keeper.
I let my eyes fall shut and focus on the rhythm of her breath against my ear.I don’t overthink it, nor do I try to turn this moment into something else.
I just let myself be held until I fall asleep.
Chapter36
Nic
I close the door behind my final client, the click of the lock echoing loud inside my head.When I turn back to face my office of many years, I don’t know what to do with myself.I haven’t been able to bring myself to end the lease of this space where I listened to so many people’s stories.
Lois and I found this place together.Her stamp is all over it with its many plants and colorful accents.Before I received my first client, she gave me a mug with the textFeelings Are Welcome Herewhich I’ve always kept in a spot on the bookshelf only I can see from my desk.I grab it and wrap my hands around it.I glance at her picture.It was taken on the day of her sixtieth birthday.
“Can you believe I’m Dr.Cougar now,” I say to her forever-still face.How the role reversal would have delighted her.I like to think that Lois would approve of Avery.
My phone rings, pulling me from my memories.
“Hi, darling,” Derek says.“How are you holding up?Do you want me to come and get you?Take you somewhere for ludicrously expensive cocktails?”
“I’m okay.”I’m not entirely sure if it’s the truth.I’m both okay with the decision I had to make and not okay with no longer being able to practice.“Avery’s picking me up, but thanks for offering.”She insisted I not drive myself to the office this morning so she could pick me up on my final day of licensed practice and take me somewhere—I don’t know where, but clearly not to Derek’s, whose company I could definitely do with tonight.
“Fair enough,” Derek says.“Although I was hoping to get you drunk enough to finally spill what you really think of all your clients.”
“It’s not because I no longer have a license that I’m no longer bound by confidentiality,” I say.
“I know.”Derek sounds almost solemn.“I just wanted to check in.See how you were holding up.”
“I think I’m at peace with it, although that doesn’t make it any less hard to give up doing what I love.”
“Like that time I decided to give up the A-list in order to be my most authentic queer self.”
“And your marriage to Ida Burton.”
“Our marriage was so lavender it made my eyes hurt.”Derek chuckles into the phone.“Yet the tabloids always called us Hollywood’s hottest couple.”He goes quiet for a moment.“Sometimes you have to give up something to get something better in return.It’s the only way.”
“Yeah.”I’m giving up a lot—a lifetime worth of work—but I have not a single doubt that Avery is worth it.
A soft knock comes on the door.
“Thanks for calling.I have to go.”
