“Tell me what happened already.”Derek wasn’t born yesterday.He knows that Avery drove me home from my sister’s party.But I’m still going to have to say it—because he probably can’t believe that I would do such a thing.Two days ago, I wouldn’t have believed that about myself either.
“I slept with her.”I sink into an armchair.“I slept with Avery.”
“Oh, Nic.”Perhaps Derek didn’t see that coming after all, because he sounds genuinely shocked.
“But the worst part of it—” My voice shoots up.“Is that I don’t regret it, because it was so amazing.”I still get goosebumps all over when I think about my night with Avery.
“You slept with Avery Hall,” Derek exclaims.Maybe he finds it hard to believe because of who she is—and who I am.“But she’s your client.”
“Yeah.”I sigh.“That’s my reputation and my career down the drain.”
“Oh, fuck, Nic.”He covers his mouth with his hand.“I can’t believe this.”
“I really fucked up,” I repeat, because it can’t be repeated enough.
“What happens now?”
“First of all, she’s no longer my client.I can’t see her again, neither professionally nor socially.”I sink a little further into the chair.“And I need to decide whether I report myself to the California Board of Psychology.”
“What happens if you do?”
“They will investigate, and I will surely lose my license.”
“And if you don’t report yourself?”
“Then I keep my license, but… not reporting is not really an option.I made the mistake.I should be punished for it.”
“Isn’t how you feel punishment enough?”Derek is such a compassionate man—and the best friend a disgraced psychologist can dream of.
“It’s about honor.Although it’s not just about that.If I don’t report myself, I have to live with the fear that someone else could report me.”
“Who is going to tell, though?”
“Avery.I mean, not directly.She’s not going to file a complaint against me with the board, but she might tell her friends or, quite possibly, her new therapist, who would have to report me.It’s what I would do.”
“Surely, you can contain this.”Derek rubs his fingers against his carefully groomed stubble.
“It’s not about that.I made a mistake.The least I can do is own up to it.Be held accountable.”
“You can’t lose your practice, Nic.You love your job.What about your other clients?”
“I know.There’s no good outcome.Which I should have known before inviting Avery Hall into my house.”And my bed.
“Why did you do that?It’s so not you.”
“Why?”I say on a sigh.“I don’t know.”I shrug.“All I know is that she made me feel something I haven’t felt since Lois died.And how she is, how she speaks and carries herself, reminds me of Lois so much sometimes.It’s kind of like she shook me awake from this long hibernation of grief I’ve been in.That, and she’s so spectacular.”My lips spread into a small smile.“I don’t even remember how many times I’ve watchedQueer Girl Summer.”
“She was, without a doubt, the belle of the ball.”
“It’s hardly an excuse, though.”
“Maybe not, but what she made you feel is.”Derek leans forward.“That’s a huge deal.”
“Yeah, but… it’s impossible, so.”
“With Avery, yes.But look at it this way.”He holds me in his gaze.“If you can feel that spark with Avery, surely you can feel it with someone else as well.Maybe it just means you’re ready.”
“I didn’t feel it with the firefighter,” I deadpan.
