All the couples this weekend are here for the same reason: to try something new and different, learn ways to relax, and understand the importance of self-care. Lucky for us we are dating or the partner massage would have been awkward otherwise.
Sapphire, of course, being Sapphire, has made friends with everyone. Naturally magnetic, she knows each attendee’s name, their children’s names, where they go to school, and what they all do for a living. She’s even booked a speaking gig for next year’s Evolve conference, which I’ve only just discovered is the biggest executive conference for leaders held in Italy every year. Whatever I have planned, I’ve decided to cancel it because I’m going with her.
Maybe it’s presumptuous of me to be planning that far ahead, but I know I want to be with her, now, always, forever. I’m just too chicken shit to tell her how I feel from fear of being too much, not enough, too fucked up in the head.
All week, I’ve caught her watching me carry out my checking and aligning things. I can see she’s thinking, her inner thoughts loud as if she’s worked me out.
If she has, she either isn’t saying anything as she’s too kind or she doesn’t know what to say. I’m hoping it’s a third option and she isn’t going to mention it at all until I’m ready.
Although she has mentioned how long I take to reply to text messages. For everyone else, I know it’s not a big deal to do texts that are one liners or one-word replies, but that’s not how my brain works. I can’t tell her it has to be perfect before I can send it or she’ll think I’m weird.
Yesterday, during the Confronting Personal Blocks workshop, I chose not to share any of my own issues with the group until Sapphire talked about how much she has been overcommitting and can’t say no to anything. She said she now feels like she’s heading toward burnout. That surprised me because she always seems to be well put together, but now I understand why she sleeps so deeply. A bomb could go off, and she wouldn’t wake up in the night. When she explained that she works so hard because she’s terrified of failing in her business, it all started to make sense. She’s truly driven beneath all the glitter, but it’s coming at a cost to her health. Her vulnerability made me want to scoop her into my arms, hold her close, and whisk her away on vacation. We both have work commitments, but I think that’s what we should do: go on vacation together. It’s what we need.
After Sapphire shared her limiting belief, it was my turn next. Instead of skipping—because if she could do it then so could I, and it was my chance to model courage and show Sapphire I have emotional depth—I shared how I have to do everything perfectly or I will feel like a failure and disappointment to my dad.
When Sapphire reached out, took my hand, and gave it a reassuring squeeze, I couldn’t stop once I started, which made me admit that my desire for control and noticing patterns in my life actually prevent me from connecting with people the way I want. The way I want to connect with Sapphire.
I want that to change, and already, after even just a couple of days, I can feel the change within me too. I’m not pushing change away; I need to let it happen so Sapphire and I can thrive and soar together as a couple.
After our sound healing session late last night, I felt more relaxed and less anxious than I have in years. I was mistaken in thinking that listening to loud music at the gym while working out made me feel better, because the session we did last night using sound bowls loosened something within me I don’t understand.
Later, Sapphire explained that vibrations can lower cortisol levels and help shift your fight-or-flight response toward feelings of peace and alignment. I almost laughed at the irony because, while I’ve been aligning objects, I haven’t been aligning myself fully. My therapist might be helping me talk about my feelings, but I think the key to unlocking the darker parts of my mind lies in meditation and sound baths. Whatever it did to me, I slept soundly last night until eight o’clock this morning, when I’m usually awake and out of bed by five.
Sapphire was even up before me this morning and took a swim in the lake right outside our yurt, but not naked. That’s forbidden here, which is a pity; I would have loved to see my girl swimming like the siren she is, bare naked, beautiful and as nature intended.
With each passing day, I feel myself falling deeper for her.
During the silent hike we took this morning, I couldn’t take my eyes off her. I knew Sapphire would never manage the hike without saying a word because she can’t contain herself and gets excited about butterflies, sunshine, the bees, and anything that fills her with joy, and she just has to tell everyone who’ll listen. Her enthusiasm is contagious, and I found myself listening intently, along with everyone else in the group this weekend, when she explained the importance of bees to our environment and the things we can do to save them. I’m now fully educated in the waggle dance bees do to communicate with one another. I also learned her mom and dad have a dozen beehives and sell the honey as part of their small homestead.
Every day she finds new ways to amaze me, and her ability to know what I’m thinking without saying anything never fails to impress me.
“Good evening, everyone,” Simone, our facilitator, calmly begins, preparing us to start the session. Then she thanks us all for coming, provides a quick rundown of the weekend’s highlights, explains what we will do for the final session, and requests that we face our partners.
Sitting on the foam mats on the floor, Sapphire and I spin around to face each other, crossing our legs. Sapphire moves closer to me, bumping her knees against my shins because her legs are much shorter than mine.
“In fact, screw it.” She climbs onto my lap and wraps her legs around my back, making herself comfortable in the bowl-shaped space of my crossed legs where her ass fits perfectly inside.
I loop my arms around her waist and pull her even closer, our noses almost touching.
“I think we’re about to take dating to a whole new level.” I keep my voice low, feeling a little anxious because I have no idea what to expect from what we’re about to do. All it said on the schedule Sapphire showed me was “Circle of Trust.”
“Since when have we been dating?” Sapphire teases in a whisper. “I thought we were just fooling around.”
“Shut it, Rebel.” I tickle her ribs, causing her to squeal, and she tries to wriggle out of my arms and from between my legs.
“Shush. You’re disturbing the class.” I widen my eyes in a playful warning.
I hold my hand up and apologize to Simone for messing about, then wrap my arms around Sapphire’s waist to pull her into me. She’s never close enough and makes me feel like I’m a teenager again with no fucks to give. I have a lot to care about back home, at my desk, in court, my family, my mom, and a dad I love with my whole fucking heart, who’s holed up and stuck in a memory care home. But for now, those things can wait.
Because right now I’m here with her and that’s all that matters.
I kiss the end of her nose and tell her how beautiful she looks, not because she told me she likes me telling her, but because I mean it. Always.
As everyone settles in, Simone begins, “Since yesterday, we have been working toward this sacred space we call a Circle of Trust. Inside these four walls is where you let go of the things that have been keeping you stuck. Your only job is to trust the person you see in front of you. You’ve climbed hills together, digitally detoxed from emails, your phone, and social media, choosing to be present. You’ve connected. Reset yourself and meditated together, learning and feeling the benefits of deep-breathing exercises. And finally, you put your trust in this same person to catch you if you fell during your firewalk, and to wet your feet at the end.”
The firewalk was the best part of the weekend, and my heart was racing for about an hour afterward as adrenaline finally caught up with me.
“And now”—Simone’s steady voice sounds louder as she strolls between the group, moving toward us—“you will take that bond you have built between the two of you over the weekend, and make it even stronger.”
