“What happened?”
Alexis laughed, remembering the storm and the curse. “My stint as cabin boy to—”
“Cabin boy?” he asked incredulously. Then he began laughing.
“Cloud, will you please let me finish?” He nodded and kissed her cheek, pressing his smile against her skin. “I was cabin boy for Captain Whitehead and I was a good one too,” she said defensively, then laughed at herself. There was no reason for him to think otherwise. “Anyway, it all ended when my body decided, quite against my wishes you understand, to make me a woman. Pauley saw the blood and that was the end of everything.”
“Was he angry?”
“Furious at first. Later I think he liked me better for what I had tried to do. He made a decision, though, not to allow me to travel the entire way to Charleston. He told me about George and Francine and said I could have a home there. I objected at first. I thought I could get away with the charade a while longer but Pauley was firm. He insisted I should go with his friends. He wouldn’t let me…” Her voice trailed off as she remembered some of her fears and her friend’s challenge.
“Wouldn’t let you…” Cloud encouraged her.
“Nothing.”
Cloud remained unconvinced. “Nothing? What is it you can’t share with me after sharing so much? I thought you trusted me.” He had no idea that his last words duplicated Pauley’s words in a similar situation. He was totally unprepared for the frightened and hurt child he released in Alexis. There was no fight left in her to ward off the memories or to hide their impact. Her eyes glazed over with tears and she could not turn away quickly enough. She clung to Cloud fiercely. She burrowed against him, seeking solace and shelter in his embrace.
“It hurts so much sometimes,” she cried. “I can’t take the risk again. I never win. Oh, Cloud…I never can win.”
Cloud could barely make out the words but he heard her pain and despair and he hurt for her too. With one hand he cradled the back of her head while the other stroked her back, easing the tightness between her shoulders. He would have held her all night in just such a fashion if she would have permitted it. He would have offered her anything within his power in the hope of easing her ache. But the little he understood from her garbled speech told him that she would not allow that privilege. It seemed too soon to him when she began pulling away, breathing deeply and slowly while she fought for control.
He refused to allow her to move from the circle of his arms and she didn’t struggle. She would not meet his eyes, concentrating instead on fingering one of the buttons on her shirt. “I hate it when you remind me that the people I loved are no longer with me,” she told him in a husky whisper.
Suddenly so much seemed clear to Cloud. “No, you don’t.” When she looked up at him belligerently, daring him to explain himself, he continued. “You like it when I inadvertently say something that reminds you of the pain you associate with loving. It supports your logic that loving can only hurt you. It gives you another reason to leave me.”
“I don’t need another reason. I have Travers. He’s enough.”
“And afterward?”
Her inability to respond was the confirmation of all that he had said. Her fear of losing again made her cling tightly to the vows she had made in her island crow’s nest.
“Sometimes I wish I could be different,” she told him sadly.
“I know,” he said, pushing her to the mattress. “But it wouldn’t make me love you any less.” She smiled at that and he held her for a long time, neither of them moving, then he made love to her, slowly and gently, so that even after the pinnacle was reached the fall from it was unhurried and languorous. His hands were merely a soft whisper next to her skin and her kisses were fragile wisps of air that burned his flesh like a thousand exquisite brands. When it was over he heard her sigh and he chuckled, the sound muffled and subdued against the silky texture of her breasts.
“What is it, Cloud?” she asked, brushing his copper hair from the side of his face so she could see the outline of his cheek pressed to her breasts.
“It was your sigh. I heard you make it once before in your sleep when you didn’t know I was there. I thought then I wanted to capture that sigh so I could hear it whenever I wanted. I have it now.”
“Now,” she repeated so he would know he could not hope to possess it forever. His arms went around her and his head rested more closely on her chest. She continued to stroke his hair with her fingers until she heard the sound of his steady breathing. Then she went to sleep too.
For Cloud the next week passed too swiftly. His only consolation was knowing that for Alexis each minute was like an hour. He watched her make friends with his men and felt the same sense of pride she did when she earned their admiration.
He continued tutoring her in reading maps and using a sword while Harry Young and Mike Garrison taught her how to use a pistol.
Standing on the forecastle he watched as she successfully hit the targets Harry and Mike had placed on the railing. Harry picked her up by the waist and twirled her around while Mike laughed at her astonished face. Cloud found himself smiling as well when she insisted on being put down.
“Harry!” she cried. “This instant! Put me down!” She laughed at herself when Harry let go and dropped her to the deck. She stood up and brushed herself off. “You could have been a bit gentler than that, Harry.”
“You wanted down,” he defended himself.
“I never wanted up! Sometimes I think from the way you act you don’t expect me to hit those blasted targets.”
Harry tried to look hurt but his slanted grin gave him away. “I couldn’t expect you not to hit them since I’m the one who taught you.”
Alexis chuckled when she saw Mike’s pained expression. “That’s enough, Mike. Harry may not give you any credit, but I do. Let’s set them up again so we can make sure the last was not a fluke.”
As Mike set up new targets Cloud went down to join them. “You are doing very well, Danty,” he told her when he stood beside her.
