“Have you seen the scars on his back, Alex?” he asked softly.
“I have.” Her voice was bland but she had to force the unemotional response.
“I made sure he lived to think of the third way out.”
She was silent, thinking what it must have been like for the two men, and she understood why they were such good friends now. They had earned one another’s respect and that, she decided, had to be the soundest basis for a friendship. She also began to understand why Landis had taken such an interest in her problem aboard the ship. He knew what she was going through.
“You were saying the captain knew a lot about ships,” she said, making her voice airy in this attempt to change subjects easily. “Don’t all officers learn about the ships they command?”
“Of course. But not like Tanner. He got his command as a result of his escape from theGrenadabut he’s been around ships most of his life. That’s what I thought he had told you. His family owns Garnet Shipping of Boston.”
Alexis’s lips parted in surprise. “I didn’t know,” she said when she found her voice. “They are one of the very best. George told me often about them.”
“So you’re familiar with their business.”
“Very.” She lifted her spoon and took a few more mouthfuls of soup. “Why is the captain in the navy when he could be working for his family?”
“There was a problem about what his family wanted him to do and what he wanted for himself. He won’t talk about it much but from the little he told me it seems his parents wanted him behind a desk in the office and he wanted to be at the helm. They put up with it for a while, humored him by letting him sail on some of their ships. Tanner is not the kind of man you can humor like that. He never wanted to go back to the office again. They would not hear of it, so he joined the navy. They disowned him for a time after that but when theChesapeakeincident happened they fought hard to get him back. His sister, Emma, never did give up. Things are still not too good between him and his parents but they are beginning to accept his decision.”
“It would appear the captain had previous experience making escapes before the English took him.”
“As I recall from what you said the other day in the galley, you have also had an escape.”
“I guess that’s what it was,” she replied. “I never really thought about it like that before. I just thought I was running away but I always knew what I was running to.”
“You haven’t told Tanner about it?”
“No. There hasn’t been any reason to. I don’t like talking about the past any more than he does.”
“Why?” he asked.
“It is not because I can’t, if that’s what you’re thinking, John.”
“I wasn’t. I was just curious as to what you thought.”
“Most people dwell on the past and say ‘if only.’ But when a similar situation arises in the future they never remember their ‘if only.’ They never try to recall the past in a way that can help them. They feel trapped by it. That’s why their faces are full of pity when they hear someone else talk about what’s already taken place. They think nothing will ever change. I hate it when people look at me that way. I can see ‘poor Alexis’ in their eyes before they say the words aloud. I don’t regret my past because I learned something from it. I understand it. It’s that understanding that guides me, not painful memories. I would be lying if I told you I am never bitter about what’s happened to me. I am bitter sometimes. But I know why and because I do I can do something about it. I don’t have to let things just happen.” She paused and pushed away her bowl of soup. “And that’s why I don’t like talking about my past. I never want to hear ‘poor Alexis’ again.”
Landis rubbed at his beard with the back of his fingers. “And you know Tanner feels the same way?”
“I do.”
“Then why don’t you tell him about London? He won’t pity you.”
“I know. I’d never tell him if I thought that,” she said. “There has been no reason to. There is no reason he should know.”
“He’ll understand, you know. Just the way you understood about him and his family and his need to get away.” Landis stood and crossed the room to the door. Before he left he turned to her. “It’s strange, isn’t it, Alex? How understanding can be infinitely more binding than pity. Not many people realize that, but you do, don’t you?”
“Yes,” she whispered, staring at her plate. How well the old man knew, she thought when she was alone. She was reluctant to talk about her past to Cloud, not because he would pity her, but because he would understand. And that would be another link in the chain that kept her close.
She picked at her dinner while she planned out her evening. When she remembered the charts and maps in Cloud’s quarters she dismissed everything but her purpose from her mind. After she was finished eating she went to his cabin. Finding him absent she laid out his charts on the floor and began studying them, her head propped on her elbows, legs bent at the knees and raised off the floor. She was so intent on the lines and markings she did not notice Cloud’s presence in the cabin until he sat on the deck beside her.
“Have you been here long?” she asked without looking up.
“Long enough to know you are much more interested in what’s in front of you than what’s beside you.”
She laughed and rolled onto her back so she could look up at him. Her head rested on the charts she had been studying. “You’re right. I want to learn more about these waters. Will you teach me?”
“The first thing I’ll teach you is not to put your hair all over North America. The continent has never looked so inviting.”
