“Stop doing that!” Frustrated, Lydia tightened her folded hands into a single fist. “Stop making it seem as if you did what you did for me. Yes, Irish and I are getting on as you said. I’ll even admit to you that I’ve arrived at a certain fondness for him and that I enjoy his company as much as he enjoys mine. The opportunity you arranged for Irish and me to come to know each other has been well used, but it doesn’t alter what’s between you and me, Nathan. Nothing’s changed there.”
Nathan shrugged out of his shirt and hung it on a hook near the armoire before he sat down on the bed and began taking off his shoes and socks. “I hope you’ll forgive me for being obtuse again,” he said, “but to what ‘nothing’ in particular are you referring? From my perspective everything’s changed. Or have you forgotten our voyage onAvonlei?Have you forgotten Samoa? Tonight at dinner I brushed your hand. You reacted as if I were diseased. If that’s an indication of how nothing’s changed then you and I see things very differently.”
In spite of her nearness to the fireplace and the crackling red-orange flames, Lydia felt warmth seeping out of her flesh and bone. “That’s not fair,” she said softly, staring at her clasped hands now. “You know I haven’t forgotten anything about the time we spent together. But it was all a lie, Nathan. It was based on the fact that I couldn’t remember anything else. I think we need to discuss how we mean to go on from here.”
Go on from here,he thought. Her words echoed eerily in his head. It sounded ominous. He unfastened the top button of his trousers. “Apparently you’ve given it a great deal of thought these last days. I take it you have some idea of how you intend us to proceed with our lives. Why don’t you tell me what you’ve decided?”
Lydia didn’t like the edge of sarcasm she heard in his voice, the tone that was gritty and soft and fluid and infinitely dangerous. She drew her bare feet onto the seat of the rocker, hugging her knees to her chest. “Well, Ihavegiven it a lot of thought,” she said quietly, “and it seems to me there is but one solution to serve us both: a marriage in name only.”
“A marriage in name only,” Nathan repeated consideringly. His palm rested on the flat of his abdomen. He tapped himself lightly on the belly as he thought it over. “No,” he said at last, his icy gray eyes settling again on Lydia. “I don’t think so.”
“You only pretended to think it over,” she said accusingly.
He shrugged, unconcerned. “True. Do you know why? Because it’s madder than any bloody thing Irish has ever proposed, that’s why. Do you really think I’m going to lie beside you night after night and never lay a hand on you again—or that you’re not going to want me to? I’m not a monk, Lydia, and I won’t be treated like one. You don’t remember our voyage the way I do if you can think you can live like that either.”
Lydia’s skin went from cold to hot as he stirred memories she would have preferred to keep buried. “I told you I remember,” she said. “That’s why I believe separate bedrooms is the most reasonable solution. You wouldn’t hear of it the night before you left and, quite frankly, I can’t force you out of here, but Icantake another room.”
“And I can drag you back.”
She nodded, catching the underside of her lip again. Why must he make a difficult situation even more strained? “I realize that,” she said. “That’s why I didn’t move my things. I thought it should be a mutual decision for one of us to go elsewhere.”
Nathan leaned forward, resting his forearms on his knees. “We both stay here,” he said. “That’s the way I want it.”
Agitated by his high-handedness, Lydia stood. “And what of what I want?” she demanded. “Do my wants mean so little to you?”
He shot to his feet and crossed to stand in front of her in a few strides. His fingers hooked one of her wrists to keep her from retreating. “Your wants?” he asked. “They mean a great deal to me. But I don’t think you know what they are.”
“Please, Nathan, let me go.” She pulled her wrist lightly, hardly believing he would hold her against her will. His grasp only became tighter.
“Shall I tell you?”
“Nathan.”
He ignored her. He dragged her hand to the taut front of his trousers and forced her to feel the heat and strength of his erection. “You want this,” he said. “You want my cock inside you, filling you, touching you so deeply that you’ll cry out with the pleasure of it.”
Now Lydia tried to pull back in earnest. Her cheeks were flushed hotly and the expression in her dark eyes was rebellious. “Don’t be crude. Ifthiswas all I wanted, then any man would do.”
“What are you saying?” he asked, letting her go. “That any man won’t? That you want me?”
“Yes…no...” She threw up her hands to ward him off. “You’re only trying to confuse me.”
“You’re already confused, Lydia. You’ve mistaken me for some man who is not your husband. Vows were exchanged, promises of honor and obedience were made.With my body I thee worship.”
“And what of love, Nathan? I made that vow, too.” Lydia turned away from him quickly, blinking hard to stem the flow of hot tears. She had promised herself she wouldn’t cry in front of him, wouldn’t let him see how deeply felt the hurt was.
“You didn’t know what you were saying then,” he said, “so I won’t hold you to it.”
She laughed shortly, humorlessly. “How very gallant of you.”
“But the other things we promised to each other,” he went on, “I expect will be kept.”
“Of course. They serve you.”
“Serve me?” he asked. He placed his hands on her shoulders and turned her around. Raising one hand, he cupped Lydia’s chin with his thumb and forefinger and lifted her face toward him. “Do you really think I’m the only one served? I’m offering you fidelity and respect and the comfort of these surroundings. In the bed behind us I’m offering you pleasure. Are you really going to be so proud and stubborn that you won’t accept what you want the most?”
“You don’t know what I want,” she said, pulling her chin away from his touch. Her cobalt blue eyes were sad now. She pitied him because he could not understand or chose not to. “You don’t know what it’s like for me.”
“Don’t I?” When she jerked aside, Nathan’s hand had remained in midair momentarily. Now he lowered it to the curve of her neck. It lay lightly against her skin and the collar of her gown. His thumb flicked at the button at the base of her throat. He felt her pulse racing just beneath his fingertips. “How can I not? I see and feel things when I touch you that you only sense. Did you know that your beautiful eyes are darkening now? They’re so expressive, Lydia. They captivated me at our first meeting, so wide and deep, cautious and curious at the same time. And even when you hold my gaze defiantly as you’re doing now, I’ve already glimpsed the excitement you want to shield.”
