He sounds resigned and a bit sad. I kneel at his feet. I have to be honest with him. ‘There’s always going to be a part of me that will wonder if it could happen again. Your behaviour was irrational … and scary.’
‘I know. I’m so sorry.’
‘You need to make things right with Amelia about it. She, in particular, is finding it hard to trust you.’
‘You’re right. I’ll talk to her. Put her mind at rest. We used to be so close.’
I fight back tears. ‘My biggest fear is something happening to you or the girls.’
He leans forwards and grasps both my hands in his. ‘Please don’t take this the wrong way because I know I’ve made things worse after what happened in the car. But I think you should see someone too. Because …’ he hesitates and continues gently ‘… of your over-protectiveness with the girls. It stems from what happened to your sister.’
I can’t help it. A tear runs down my cheek. I know he’s right. I grew up witnessing Mum’s pain and seeing that someone you love can be torn from your life, suddenly and cruelly. The possibility of it happening to me terrifies me every day.
His voice is tender as he says, ‘We all worry about our kids. But your worry has become something else. You can’t control what happens to them. Or me. And I’m so sorry, my love, that I put you through more pain last year.’ There are tears in his eyes too.
And now Selena. More death. More pain. More fear.
‘You seemed to have a soft spot for Selena,’ I say, as I stand up. ‘Did you have feelings for her?’
He laughs. ‘Seriously? We got on well and I felt sorry for her, I suppose, but I never thought of her as anything other than a friend.’
I rest my head against his chest, his T-shirt slightly damp against my cheek.
‘Mummy?’
I lift my head to see Evie standing in the doorway, her eyes flitting to us both with concern. I step away, smoothing my hair and trying to compose myself. ‘Are you okay, honey?’ I sense Adrian behind me.
‘Can you help Ruby down the stairs? We want to play with the wabbits now and Amelia’s being grumpy.’
‘Sure.’ I catch Adrian’s eye. He gives me a tiny, reassuring smile. And in that moment I feel closer to him than I have done since his breakdown. We’ve finally been honest with one another.
He goes over to his desk and gathers up the sheets of paper. ‘Evie?’ he asks, almost nonchalantly. ‘Have you been messing with my computer?’
She raises just one of her eyebrows. Evie’s always had very expressive eyebrows: they seem to have a life of their own. ‘No. I’ve been playing with Ruby in my bedroom.’
I sense she’s telling the truth. I can’t imagine Evie touching the laptop. She’s not interested in computers and wouldn’t know where to start. I doubt Ruby knows much about technology either. Not with her background and being home-schooled. Julia’s accusation flits through my mind and I push it away. I’m still not ready to accept it.
I move towards Evie. ‘Have you seen anybody come or go out of this room today?’
‘Apart from you and Daddy?’
‘Yes.’
She chews her lip. ‘Um, Nana.’
‘Nana?’
She frowns. ‘I think she was looking for Daddy. Oh, and the cleaner lady.’
‘Nancy?’
‘Yes. Can you help Ruby now?’ she asks, bored with the conversation. Ruby’s head appears over Evie’s shoulder and I wonder how long she’s been standing there.
‘Of course.’ I turn back to Adrian. He has the wedge of paper pressed against his chest. We don’t say anything but communicate with our eyes, both having the same thought: what would Nancy be doing in our bedroom? She’s not supposed to clean up here. I employed her purely to help with the guest bedrooms. I reach up and kiss him. He’s surprised so doesn’t react at first. But then I feel him kiss me back. There is so much conveyed in that small, quick kiss: apology, love, desire.
I help Ruby down the stairs with Evie close behind, then instruct them to put their coats on and watch them stride across the lawn to the hutches, their little feet making prints in the dewy grass. Ruby seems to be walking just fine. No different from Evie. Such a contrast to how she was when she arrived nearly a week ago.
Munchausen syndrome by proxy. I’m not going to think it.
