At the café, Mum and I both sip our lattes in silence while the girls spoon off cream and marshmallows from their hot chocolates. Ruby, who is allergic to dairy, has a soya alternative with no chocolate or marshmallows. I didn’t want the girls to have marshmallows either, worried that it wouldn’t be fair to Ruby, but Ruby said she didn’t mind. ‘I’ve never tasted them, anyway,’ she said, smiling up at me, ‘so I don’t know what I’m missing.’
I take out my phone, scanning my most recent photos. There’s one of Selena with the three children, and my heart contracts. I look up just in time to see Evie feeding Ruby a spoon loaded with cream and marshmallows.
‘What are you doing?’ I shout, grabbing the spoon from Evie. It clatters to the floor, making the other customers look at us. But it’s too late: Ruby has swallowed the sugar and dairy concoction. Amelia gasps, realizing what her little sister has just done.
Ruby bursts into tears. ‘I’m sorry for eating it,’ she cries. ‘I just wanted to taste it.’
Evie looks mortified, her cheeks burning. ‘I’m sorry, Mummy,’ she says, her bottom lip wobbling.
‘For goodness’ sake,’ snaps Mum. ‘That was a really stupid thing to do, Evie.’
Tears stream down Evie’s face.
‘It’s okay,’ I say to Evie. And then to Ruby, ‘It was just a little bit. Don’t worry, Ruby darling.’
On the way home the girls are chatting in the back. I’ve never heard Ruby talk so much. She sounds just like any other little girl her age. I keep an eye on her, terrified that she’ll have a reaction to the cream and marshmallows but, as yet, she seems fine.
Mum carries Ruby into the house. The little girl looks exhausted after our day trip, probably not helped by all of us constantly asking if she feels okay.
I notice the girls’ downcast expressions as they watch Mum take Ruby to her room, and I guess they might be feeling a little jealous of the time Nana is spending with her. I used to feel the same way about Selena sometimes, especially as I was the one Mum always told off if she caught us up to mischief. But now, with an adult’s perspective, I know it was because Selena had a hard home life and Mum was trying to protect her. I’ve no doubt that she loved Selena and, to her, Selena was a second daughter. I’ve made my peace with that. I even understand it.
‘Nana still loves you both, so much,’ I say to them, as we stand in the hallway. ‘Ruby just needs a lot of attention right now.’
‘Oh, we know that, Mum,’ says Amelia.
‘We understand,’ insists Evie, and I pull them both to me and kiss their foreheads.
‘You’re both so special, you know that?’
‘Aw, Mum.’ Amelia pulls away from me, but she’s smiling.
‘Are you going to your room to read?’ I ask, indicating the books in their arms. Evie looks at the staircase uncertainly, fear in her eyes. ‘Daddy’s up there, I expect,’ I say. Even Amelia seems hesitant. I can never tell them about Violet Brown. If they find out that she died in this house – in the attic where we all sleep – then Evie for one will never go upstairs again.
‘Or they could come and play a board game with me and Aunty Julia?’ says a booming voice. I look to see Nathan standing in the living-room doorway, his eyes brightening at the sight of the girls. He’s wearing a long-sleeved navy T-shirt with a crease down the middle and hasn’t shaved today. Maybe he’s following Adrian’s example and growing a beard.
‘Yay!’ squeals Evie, rushing to him. They head into the living room and Amelia follows.
I wonder if there have been any bookings in my absence. The phone has been silent since Saturday.
There is no sign of the family liaison officer and I’m relieved. Having her here is unsettling because I know she’s always watching, waiting, listening. It’s like I have a CCTV camera installed in my home. I look down at the Victorian tiles, thinking of Selena.
My chest feels tight, which is happening more and more frequently. I know stress can make my asthma worse. I reach into the pocket of my coat and take out my inhaler. I put it to my mouth and pump but nothing comes out. I hear shouts of laughter from the living room and feel glad that Nathan and Julia are here. I hope they stay until Saturday as planned and don’t hot-foot it like the Greysons. We can’t afford for them to go, really. Especially now we’ve had to give the Greysons a refund.
I find Adrian in our bedroom – as I knew I would – hunched over his laptop. The curtains are still closed but at least the duvet has been straightened. He looks up when I enter, a film of distraction over his eyes. I sit down on the bed to talk to him, and although he swivels his chair around so he can hear what I’m saying, I know his mind is readjusting to normal life from its immersion in his book.
‘How are you getting on?’
He shrugs. He has dark shadows under his eyes and his beard needs trimming. ‘Halfway through. This is the first time today I’ve had a chance to get stuck in.’
‘When can I read it?’
He laughs. ‘Not yet.’
‘And how’ve things been here? Where’s Rachel?’
He groans. ‘It’s hard work having her around. Anyway, she’s left for the day but she’ll be back tomorrow. She’s managed to contact Nigel to inform him about Selena. I expect he’ll want to come and see Ruby. The police need to find out where he was when Selena died and who Selena met up with the day before.’
Why hadn’t I asked who she was meeting? How did Adrian know about it? Did she tell him? They spent quite a bit of time having cosy chats. I wonder again what they talked about when they were alone. Was there an attraction between them?I always want what I can’t have.I push away my doubts. ‘What else?’
