Mum is in the dining room, giving Ruby her tea – a gluten-free vegetable dish that she made earlier with Selena’s help – and I try to get Selena on her own by asking her to help me make coffee in the kitchen.
‘What’s going on?’ I whisper, as I turn on the coffee machine.
She looks nonchalant. ‘What do you mean?’
‘I saw you with Dean earlier. Arguing.’
She waves a hand dismissively but there are shadows under her eyes. ‘It was nothing. Just a lovers’ tiff.’
I frown. ‘So you are lovers?’
‘Not in that sense. We haven’t had sex since we’ve been here, if that’s what you mean.’
I raise my eyebrows but I don’t say anything.
‘You’re wondering how long I’m planning on staying, aren’t you?’ she says, a moment later.
‘I … No, it’s not that. I just want you to be happy.’
Her composure slips and she sinks on to one of the bar stools, putting her head in her hands. ‘I don’t know what I’m going to do,’ she wails. ‘I can’t go back to Nigel. But I don’t want Dean either. I want … I always want what I can’t have.’
I go over to her and place my hand on her arm. The fabric of her jumpsuit feels silky under my fingers. There’s nothing to it. She needs to put a cardigan on. It’s always cold in this house. We could really do with double glazing but we can’t afford it yet. ‘What do you mean?’
She shakes her head. ‘It’s nothing. I’m just rambling.’ She looks up. She has tears in her eyes. ‘I’ve got enough money to rent somewhere for me and Ruby. I’ve just been …’ She sighs. ‘I just needed a break. Someone to help with Ruby for a bit.’ She rubs her face. ‘I’m so tired.’
My heart goes out to her. She must be exhausted. And she has no family, apart from us.
‘Are you still worried that Nigel’s sending the dead flowers?’ I want to help her but I don’t know what to think of her ex. How someone could do such a thing. He’s an enigma to me.
‘I’m not sure.’ She rubs a hand across her face.
‘What attracted you to him?’ I ask gently. ‘He couldn’t have been all bad for you to stay with him. To have a child together.’
‘When I first met him I thought he was great. So different from men like Dean. Older, stable, dependable. He was successful. He had his own house. This huge, double-fronted detached place with Roman blinds in nautical stripes at the windows, which I thought were the height of sophistication, a neat square garden and a double garage on the side. New, boxy and slightly bland. A bit like Nigel himself.’ She laughs. ‘But bland was good. Bland doesn’t have the capacity to hurt you.’
‘What changed?’
‘It’s awful to say it, but the stress of Ruby, I suppose. He was so fastidious, shouting at me if I’d left a Babygro out of place, or a dirty nappy bag on the counter. He wanted that bloody house to look like a show-home. All the time. It’s not normal.’ She gives a small laugh. ‘People need to be able to make a mess in their own homes. Even you, Kirsty!’
I laugh too. If it was anything like her bedroom when we were kids, or her messy room here, I could see where Nigel was coming from. I instantly push the thought away. He was violent. He hurt her. That’s never acceptable. ‘What can I do to help?’ I ask.
‘You’re doing enough. More than enough. The way I treated you when we were eighteen. I hate myself for it.’
I hug her, which is slightly awkward considering she’s still sitting on the stool. ‘Don’t be silly.’ I sit down next to her.
She groans. ‘I’ve been such a fool. But the past has a way of catching up with you, doesn’t it?’
And I don’t know what it is – maybe it’s the way she says it, or the intensity in her eyes – but I feel foreboding wash over me.
I’m relieved when Adrian returns with the girls. By the look of the McDonald’s bags and the milkshake carton that Evie is clutching, I can tell where they’ve been for tea. Mum eyes the bag disapprovingly.
‘I was starting to get worried,’ I say, as he dumps two carrier bags of shopping on the counter. I bite my tongue about the junk-food tea. I imagine the girls nagged at him. And it’s good for the three of them to spend some time together.
Mum takes the girls to see Ruby while I unpack the shopping. I’m about to ask Adrian to help when I see him drift into the living room where Selena is nursing a coffee. She looks attractive, sexy even, in her slinky outfit. He sits opposite her and they begin chatting, although I can’t hear what they’re saying.
I always want what I can’t have.
That night I persuade Adrian to go to bed early. We need some time alone. Away from guests, from the girls, from Mum. And, most importantly, from Selena.
