“I’m looking forward to our little date,” Erik said.
She continued staring at the blank screen in front of her, the cursor blinking.
“Are you?” he asked her.
“What?”
“Looking forward to our date?”
“Oh,” she said. “Yeah.”
It sounded like a half-hearted response because it was. He sighed.
“We don’t have to force it,” he said.
But the defeat in his voice, the sad resignation, was exactly why she had to force it.
“I’m sorry, I’ve just been preoccupied. I am looking forward to it,” she said, making every effort to infuse her words with enthusiasm.
“Okay.”
He didn’t sound convinced. He kissed her on the cheek and told her he’d see her in a few hours.
For their Sunday dinner, Aurora made a giant pot of pasta and unthawed a batch of the marinara sauce they’d put in the freezer weeks ago. Matt made focaccia bread, complete with sprigs of rosemary from the herb garden. It was a feeling of family that Angeni had never experienced as a child. She was doing it—healing the pain of the past with the present-day life she’d created with care. As she lit a candle in the center of the kitchen island, she took in a deep breath, reminding herself that no matter how difficult the book project was, she had this beautiful life, this safe place to fall.
The kitchen island served as their giant family dining table. Sitka sat on one side of Freya’s high chair, Angeni on the other. Erik sat across from Angeni, making playful eyes at her throughout the dinner, telling everyone about his “hot date.” Their plan was to take a couple of mugs of tea out to the firepit and talk like they used to. It seemed like another lifetime when it had been their daily routine to end eachday with each other’s attention, luxuriating in each other’s company, just staring at the stars or enjoying meandering conversations about nothing and everything. They would go inside at some point and have sex, the fireside conversation meant to be a type of foreplay. Angeni was strangely nervous, as if this was a blind date with a stranger.
Aurora, Matt, and Jer insisted on doing the cleanup so Angeni and Erik could have as much time together as possible.
“I feel bad not helping,” Angeni said as they started to clear the table.
“Do not feel bad,” Aurora said. “Go! Enjoy each other!”
Angeni still wasn’t sure if Aurora could have been the one to call into the Wellest podcast and bring up the question about her “shocking past.” She kept looking for any micro-expressions on Aurora’s face that would suggest an underlying resentment or bitterness, but found none. Erik had assured her that whoever had called in was just trying to rattle Angeni. “Your past isn’t that bad, babe,” he’d said. But of course there were parts he didn’t know.
“Thank you guys for being so supportive,” Angeni said.
Sitka was lifting Freya out of her high chair, unbuttoning the bib from around her neck.
“Maybe I should top her off,” Angeni said.
She’d just fed her before dinner. Freya would be fine for a few hours. But something in Angeni felt compelled to tend to her daughter before tending to her husband.
“If you want to,” Sitka said with a shrug.
“Babe,” Erik said. “Freya’s fine. Take my hand and let me escort you outside.”
He was right—Freya was fine. If Angeni hesitated any more, the real source of her apprehension would reveal itself. She wasn’t in the mood to look deeply into her husband’s eyes. That was the truth of it.
“Okay,” she said.
Erik grabbed her hand, pulled her gently toward the door.
“Thank you, Sitka, for watching our girl,” he said before leading Angeni outside.
It was a beautiful evening, the sky an indigo blue as the sun began its descent. It had rained briefly before dinner, but the clouds had already dispersed.
They walked on the dirt path Erik and the guys had made through the dense ground cover of ferns, all their leaves overlapping like they were sewn together in a giant green quilt. Erik wrapped his arms around her. They were such good arms—thick and strong, the sleeves of his flannel shirt tight against his biceps. Why did she feel nothing, not the slightest stirring, in her lower belly?
