Gwen swallowed again, another walnut in her throat.
“They had to do a hysterectomy,” she said. She stared at June’s sweet, soft face as she said it, willing herself to be grateful for what she had instead of lamenting what she’d lost.
“Oh, Gwen. My god.”
She couldn’t meet Leigh’s eyes, but she heard her sniffle and knew she was crying.
“Yeah,” Gwen said. “I haven’t, like, dealt with it well.”
“Who the fuck would deal with thatwell?” Leigh said.
Gwen started weeping again.
Leigh stood from the couch, her nursing bra unclasped, her huge breasts exposed. Belle’s little mouth finally released the nipple she’d been using as a pacifier. Leigh set her on a lounger on the floor, very similar to the lounger Gwen had at home. Belle opened her eyes in confusion, and there was a moment when it appeared she might start wailing, but she closed her eyes again and drifted off.
Leigh re-dressed herself and sat on the couch again, this time closer to Gwen, so that they shared one of the giant cushions and the couch threatened to swallow them together. She put an arm around Gwen’s body, pulling her into her side.
“I’m so sorry,” Leigh said.
And Gwen felt it—Leigh’s sorrow on her behalf. She didn’t think she had felt this from anyone. Not even Jeff.
“Thank you,” Gwen said. “That means a lot.”
She expected Leigh to release her hug, but she didn’t. She continued holding Gwen, pulling her into her side.
June started to stir, as if sensing an unexpected loving presence and wanting to check it out. She opened her eyes and looked up at Gwen, then at Leigh, their two faces so close together.
“She’s such a beautiful baby,” Leigh said.
“She is, isn’t she?”
“Just gorgeous. She has your eyes.”
Leigh stroked June’s cheek with her index finger, and June smiled her gummy smile.
“Yes, sweet girl, we’re talking about you and what a beauty you are,” Leigh said in the same singsong voice that Gwen used when talking to June.
“It hurts, sometimes, to look at her,” Gwen said as they both continued staring at June. “Like, I love her so much it scares me. Losing her ... it would kill me. I almost can’t handle how huge it is, the love. Is that normal?”
“I don’t know what’s normal, but I feel that too. And you’ve been through so much. The fear of loss is, like, ingrained in you now.”
That was it, Gwen thought. That was exactly it.
“I try to remember how lucky I am,” Gwen said.
“Gratitude doesn’t cancel out the fact that what happened sucks. You know that, right?”
Did she know that? Logically, yes, but in her bones?
“You can be luckyanddevastated,” Leigh said. “That’s what I’m saying.”
“You should be a therapist,” Gwen said, feeling the need to make a little joke instead of bursting into additional tears.
“That was actually the plan,” Leigh said, dead serious.
She leaned away from Gwen and moved to her own cushion, and Gwen felt a pang of sadness at the abrupt separation of their bodies. Leigh slid off the couch to be on the ground next to Belle in her lounger. She placed a hand on Belle’s little belly as it rose and fell with each of her breaths.
Gwen decided to join her on the floor. The hardwood was covered in a plush shag rug that looked like it’d be plenty comfortable for June. She laid June on her back. Her eyes were wide open as she took in her new surroundings, her tiny fingers grabbing at the burnt orange threads of the rug.
