She couldn’t handle her mother’s rejection, the implication that she was a burden. She wouldn’t ask her for anything again—a declaration she renewed with herself anytime her mother let her down. When May turned to June, her mom texted regarding the “days reserved” for Gwen, and Gwen told her not to worry about it, that she was fine. She knew this was what her mother wanted to hear. After her father’s death, Gwen had had no choice but to become the self-sufficient overachiever that she still was. Her mother had always praised that—not because she was proud, but because she was off the hook, released from any maternal duty.
There was no other family nearby. Neither Jeff nor Gwen had siblings—a first-date discovery that they’d added to the tally of their similarities. There were some cousins, a smattering, but nobody who was close—location-wise or otherwise. They were on their own. They had always taken pride in being on their own.
Jeff, sweet Jeff, was still trying to come up with a solution.
“What about Deena?”
Deena was Gwen’s closest local friend. Her friends from high school and college and law school were scattered across the country. Gwen had met Deena at her first job out of law school, and they’d done dinner and drinks regularly until Deena had her first child and promptly vanished. She surprised Gwen with a text every now and then, but the communication was always sporadic—text conversations begun and then deserted. It wasn’t personal, Gwen knew that. This was what happened.
“Deena has a kid of her own, and she’s pregnant with another,” Gwen said.
Had Deena struggled with new motherhood? Gwen assumed she hadn’t, or she would have heard about it, but maybe that was the problem—nobody talked about it. They made blanket statements about being tired and “adjusting to a new norm,” but nobody discussed the nitty-gritty. Each woman was wandering into this abyss, thinking that it must not bethatscary or someone would have warned her. The lack of warning probably wasn’t malicious. It was just that the abyss sucked you in, and you lost the ability to track time and organize your thoughts, let alone communicate them to others.
Gwen watched Jeff’s eyes go to the clock on the nightstand, a little white clock with bunny ears that someone had bought off their baby registry.
“I’m sorry, hon, I gotta get going,” he said. “How about you two go outside at some point today? Fresh air might be good.”
Men and their endless solutions. One could never go wrong with fresh air.
“Sure,” she said, because what else was there to say?
He kissed her on the cheek, then kissed June on the top of her head, and then he was gone, reentering the real world. A world Gwen thought she’d never again inhabit.
It was weird with Jeff back to work. Consumed in her bubble with June, Gwen hadn’t thought his presence at home was that beneficial, but his absence revealed that she was wrong. The days seemed longer without an adult in the vicinity to inquire about her well-being or hold June while Gwen went to the bathroom. With each sunrise, she felt panic, wondering how the two of them could possibly get through another day—the crying, the feedings, the unpredictable naps. Gwen could not follow that basic advice and “sleep whenthe baby sleeps.” Whenever June nodded off, Gwen was afraid to close her own eyes, afraid to sink into a peaceful slumber only to be awakened minutes later by a jarring shriek. She could not let herself relax. She was always bracing for the next moment requiring her to tend to June. It was relentless in a way nothing in her life had ever been relentless before. There were no breaks to look forward to, no daydreams of rejuvenation to sustain her. She would never be truly alone again. That was what it felt like. Jeff would tell her that wasn’t true, that these were the hardest days, but he didn’t know. Mothers are never truly alone again. Physically, yes, at some point. But a child will forever consume so much space in other ways.
Gwen started to check the Mother Nurture page several times a day. Angeni Luna had started doing these “Ask me anything” stories, inviting followers to send in their queries for her to respond to, and Gwen couldn’t get enough.
Ask Me Anything
did u vaccinate freya
I know this is a controversial topic and I encourage all mothers to trust their intuition. At the thought of doctors putting needles into my newborn daughter, I had a full-body visceral response and that response was NO. Absolutely not. I am open to changing my mind at a later date, but this is what my inner wisdom is telling me right now.
Gwen looked down at June, sleeping on her right breast, nipple still in her mouth. Gwen hadn’t even thought about the needles put into June’s newborn body. She had been unconscious in the ICU when the doctors did whatever they did to June. Jeff wasn’t the type to challenge authority. He would have agreed to whatever the doctors presented as the norm. Gwen hadn’t plannednotto vaccinate June, but she’d planned to ask questions, to perhaps space out the vaccine schedule to avoid any unnecessary overwhelm to June’s little body.
She’d already failed at so, so much.
She couldn’t stop thinking about her insistence on running during her pregnancy, her dedication to this selfish hobby of hers that might have caused her placenta to detach. Nobody would tell her that was the reason. In fact, they said that it likely wasnotthe reason, but “likely” was no comfort to Gwen. In some ways, it was easier to see herself as at fault than accept a reality in which “these things just happen.” If it was her fault, it (and other terrible things like it) could be prevented in the future. June, this human being literally attached to her, was like a constant reminder that Gwen was not in control in the ways she thought she was.
ASk me anything
how do u and erik nurture ur relationship now that Freya is here?
I would be lying if I said it was easy to maintain a deep partner connection in the midst of new parenthood. Since Freya’s birth, I have not been away from her for more than 5 minutes. Personally, Ido not understand parents who are anxious to resume date nights and the like. My commitment is to our daughter and ensuring she feels perfectly secure. Erik is supportive of this approach. it means we have less time for each other, but it is also beautiful to miss one’s lover at times.
Gwen took mental notes.
Angeni Luna felt like the way back to the type of woman she wanted to be.
After Gwen had removed dairy, soy, and eggs from her diet, June was still having green-tinged diarrhea on a daily basis. So Gwen removed the next group of items on the list—gas-producing vegetables. These included broccoli, cauliflower, onions, and green peppers. She didn’t eat much of these things, with the exception of onion, which seemed to be in almost any cooked dish. That didn’t have a positive effect, either, so she removed all citrus fruits. Still no effect. The last item on the list was tomatoes, which she didn’t think could possibly be the problem, but lo and behold, it was. Just a couple of days after Gwen had removed tomatoes, June’s poops became a normal color. Gwen felt a rush of accomplishment. She had done it.
“Okay, so no tomatoes,” Jeff said as they sat at the dinner table.
He’d been back at work for a few weeks and seemed like his chipper self again.
Gwen could see now that he’d been miserable while he was on paternity leave. She used to be his favorite person, but she’d become terrible to be around.
“That doesn’t seem so hard to avoid,” he said, shoveling a forkful of pad thai noodles into his mouth.
