Britt wasn’t even sure how much she’d taken. A couple hundred dollars, at least. She doubted Ron and Ruby knew exactly how much. They just wanted to see that a genuine attempt had been made to return what was theirs.
Britt asked Conrad to loan her the money, but he was wise enough to refuse, reminding her that she still owed him fifty bucks. Britt could think of only one person who would be willing to loan her money—not because she would trust that Britt would pay her back, but because she was a kind person.
When Britt knocked on the door that she used to just open as if she lived there, Rainbow answered. She looked the same as always, in one of her flowing dresses, her hair twisted into a bun on top of her head. When she smiled, Britt felt her lower lip tremble and her nose tingle.
“Britt,” she said, breathless and shocked.
“Hey.”
Britt could have come to visit sooner, but she hadn’t. As much as she missed Rainbow and Becky, seeing them would remind her of what she’d done, the secret they all held. Britt had been moved to the high school closer to Ron and Ruby’s, so she didn’t see Becky at school. These people from her former life were a bus ride away, but felt like they were in another country entirely.
“My god, it’s so good to see you,” Rainbow said, reaching out, pulling Britt into her. Britt let herself relax into Rainbow, closed her eyes and remembered what it felt like to be loved.
When she opened her eyes, Becky was there, standing behind her mother, her eyes welled up with tears. Rainbow stepped back, and Becky hugged Britt. They both started sobbing, so long and hard that their bodies were shaking against each other. It was only during this release that Britt realized she’d been harboring the expectation that Becky would hate her for what had happened. It was clear now that Becky did not hate her at all.
“We’ve been so worried about you,” Rainbow said.
She took one of Britt’s hands in her own, and Becky took the other. They ushered her inside, the three of them collapsing on the L-shaped couch in the living room. Britt took in this place that had been like home. It smelled the same, had the same half-burnt candles, the same tendrils of pothos plants.
“I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch,” Britt said.
Rainbow sat on one side of her, Becky on the other. They were still holding her hands, their thumbs massaging her palms in unison.
“It’s okay. I can’t even imagine what it’s been like for you,” Rainbow said.
“We’re going to get you outta there,” Becky said with an emphatic nod.
“We are,” Rainbow said. “I’ll be your guardian. It just takes time for all the approvals and whatnot.”
“You still want to do that?” Britt asked. She was dumbfounded. She hadn’t been able to let herself believe that Rainbow and Becky still cared.
“Of course,” Rainbow said. Her brows were knitted together, as if she found Britt’s doubts concerning.
“You’ve lost weight,” Becky said, scanning Britt’s body.
“Your eyes,” Rainbow said, peering at Britt with an intensity that made her feel naked. She knew Rainbow could see everything.
“You’re using,” Rainbow said.
“Using what?” Becky asked.
Rainbow didn’t respond to Becky, just kept staring at Britt and said, “Aren’t you?”
“Just pills,” Britt said. “Only sometimes.”
She braced herself for sighs of disappointment, words of scolding, but there was none of that. Becky said, “Oh, Britt,” and Rainbow squeezed her hand.
“It’s okay,” she said. “We’ll get you off it ... once we get you here.”
They had tea and banana bread and didn’t talk any further about the pills. They didn’t talk about the shooting, either, not directly. Rainbow asked, gently, if Britt missed her mother, and Britt surprised herself by admitting that she did. Life with her mom had been difficult, but it was a difficult that was familiar. There was stability in the instability. And of course, in between bouts of The Darkness, there were those days of raucous joy, days when her mom’s brain chemicals shifted just enough for Britt to sustain her fantasies of things being different. As much as she lived in dread of the down times, she also lived in anticipation of those upswings, those times when she glimpsed her mom’s potential, dared to envision a better life for the two of them. There would never be another upswing now. She hadn’t realized how much hope she’d harbored until her mother had died, all that hope dying with her.
Britt’s palms started to get sweaty as her body informed her that it had been too long since she’d taken one of her pills. She had a few at Ron and Ruby’s house. Ron and Ruby! She had almost forgotten about this strange other world she inhabited. She had to be back for dinner. They would already be worried that she hadn’t come home directly after school.
Britt told Rainbow and Becky she had to go. She took her teacup to the sink, crumpled up the paper towel that had held her banana bread and threw it in the trash.
“Do you need a ride?” Rainbow asked.
Britt had planned to catch the bus a few blocks away, but she would get back to Ron and Ruby’s sooner with a ride.
