Her brow furrowed. “What?”
I wanted to stop there, but saying I couldn’t date her amazing grandson was something a girl had to explain. “It’s just… I grew up watching my mom go through a lot of relationships when I was younger. And every divorce or breakup would leave us worse off than before. It would take us a long time to get back on our feet, and by then, she’d be dating another guy, and the whole cycle would start all over again.” I tucked my hair behind my ear. I wasn’t sure why Duke’s grandmother was the person I decided to bare my soul to, but here we were. “I’ve always avoided relationships so I wouldn’t get involved with anyone before I was ready. I need to be sure my family has a different life.”
She blinked at me, a soft tsking noise coming from her throat. “I’m so sorry that happened to you.”
I shifted nervously. I’d never really spoken this out loud. I wasn’t sure why I felt compelled to do so here, but something in me had been craving a moment like this. With a woman with kind eyes and a soothing touch, just like Birdie.
“I’ve dated a few times, here and there, thinking I would be different than my mom, but I always ended up picking guys similar to my mom’s relationships, even though I didn’t think so at first.” I braved a timid glance at her face and was relieved to find compassion in their depths. “I just…always wanted to be able to take care of myself first. And make sure I have a good job.”
“Understandable.” Her eyebrows lifted a fraction. She opened her mouth as if to speak but hesitated again before she asked, “What do you want out of this life, then?”
I desperately wanted to give her an easy answer, brush her off, but the earnest way she was looking at me told me she wasn’t looking for brush-off answers. “A good job. Kids. A family.”
“What does that look like to you?”
I smiled, happy I had an image I could convey. “I’ve always had this image of waking up in the morning in a nice house and making my kids breakfast before getting them off to school. I’d spend the day working at home, hopefully in graphic design, in my pajamas. That way, I could still be there for my kids, you know? Be around when they get home from school, join the PTA if I want to. I just want to be completely dependent on myself.”
Memories of getting sick at school and having to go to a neighbor’s house one door down from us to be watched until my mom got home from work had branded itself like something sour in my mind. She had been mean and grouchy and spent the whole time yelling at me while watching her soap operas.
“Seems very smart of you. Your future kids will be so grateful that you thought of them so much in that way.”
I breathed a sigh of relief, grateful for her words. “I hope so.”
Her fingers played with the frayed yellow tablecloth. “Can I ask you a question, then?”
“Sure.”
“Do you want love?”
Though I feared it was a trick question, I answered honestly. “Yes.”
“Where does a man fit into that scene you just described?”
I opened my mouth to say something, but the words ran dry. I thought again about my mental image of happiness. The nice house, loving kids, a job where I could provide for my children with everything I never had. I had always assumed there was a man. A husband. Somewhere. But where was he?
“I don’t…” I started, but everything running through my mind felt hollow. With gentle eyes, she watched me start and stop my answer several times.
“You know, my experience is different, but you remind me a little of myself. Bart had to ask me three times to marry him before I finally said yes.”
“You didn’t want to marry him?” I asked, floored at this revelation.
“Heavens no.” She squared her shoulders. “He wanted to be a farmer. No thank you. I had spent my whole life on a pig farm. I wasn’t about to chain myself up to that for life.”
“So how…” I trailed off.
“Well…” she began with a twinkle in her cloudy eyes. “He promised me it wouldn’t be a pig farm.”
I held on to her words, waiting for more, but nothing came. “That’s it?” I asked, a teasing smile brimming my face. “You caved that easily?”
“Oh, honey, I was in love with Bart Bensen. There was no getting around it. Him promising there’d be no pigs was just the sprinkles on a cake already frosted. I was a goner, and to deny that would have destroyed me.”
Her hands gently patted mine on the table. “Hope and fear like to think they can occupy the same space, but there is only room for one. It’s up to you to decide. I picked Bart. Nobody can predict the future. We can only do the best we can. While you can certainly find happiness alone, if it’s love you want, that partnership is codependent. You have to give some and take some, but overall, it’s about trust. There are people who break trust and people who earn trust. I’m guessing most of your experience has been with the former.”
One light breeze would break me, so I sat stiff as a board, willing the sudden wetness in my eyes to retreat.
“I had a sister who gave her kids a life similar to what I imagine your life might have been with your mother. She never had a particular idea of what she wanted in a boyfriend, so she took anyone who looked at her twice.”
My eyes widened, feeling less alone with her words. “That sounds familiar.”
