Since my father walked out, my mother has been a shell of her past self. She went from loving and bubbly to stoic and unkind to most people, but never to me.
Her mask was so well placed and didn't budge all these years, until that day, when Adaline provoked her. I spent the whole night consoling my mother who was bawling in her bedroom.
It teleported me back to the night I spend cleaning my mother’s wounds and wiping away her tears.
The minuscule, rational part of me knows that Adaline couldn't have possibly known what happened to my mother and I. While she was particularly vicious that day, it wasn't without reason.
After all, I can't blame her for wanting to understand why I hate her so much. Yet, I still can't help but want her to hurt for what she did, because she hurt my mother and she… hurt me.
Yes, I've hurt her, but never like this. I've never spoken about her parents. Not that I could, as I don't know much about them.
I assume her mother died when she was a child, I'd never heard anything about her. I do know that her father hung himself before she came to Richmond academy.
Have I ever spoken about that or thrown it in her face? No, I haven't.
You’ve spoken about her brother, so get off your high horse.Damn this conscience!
I have been vicious toward Adaline these past two weeks; I've spray painteddykeon her locker, burned half of her precious textbooks, and ordered my minions to keep harassing her. I expected her to shout, fight back, and hurt—the same way I'm hurting— but she hasn't.
She just endures it; every insult and shitty thing I spit at her, she takes it. I haven't even spoken to her since that day at my house. I haven't been able to face her because she makes me lose control and if I lose control, I won't be as cruel as I can be. So, I've avoided her and gotten others to do my dirty work for me.
It hasn't bothered her though. She's acting as if nothing has happened and still sends me tutoring notes every day through email—which she no doubt got from Mr Khalid.
As much as I loathe her, I still use the notes every night. I still need to pass biology and stay on the cheerleading squad. I won't let her ruin that.
“Hey, are you okay?” I hear Kai's voice through my phone, which is pressed to my ear, halting my thoughts.
Kai has been resting at home for two weeks ever since he got sick. I have missed him, but the silver lining in this situation is that he hasn't been here to witness what I've been doing to Adaline. If he was, I would never hear the end of it. I'm elated I don't have to deal with his moral high-ground in this instance.
“Yeah, I'm fine,” I tell him, not really knowing if I'm telling the truth or not.
“You sure?” he questions again and before I can respond, he adds, “You've been really quiet these past two weeks. You can always talk to me. You know that right?”
I know that. He's practically the only person I can actually talk to and confide in about how I feel. I should tell him how miserably angry I've been, but I just can't bring myself to. I'm not opening that up, not when I would rather repress my anger and let it fester.
If I talk about it, it will dissipate. Yes, I'll feel better, but who cares? I need to hold onto my fury so I can weaponize it against Adaline.
“Don't worry, I promise I'm fine. Just stressed about the cheerleading tournament coming up.”
Obviously, that's a lie. Why would I be worried about something I excel at so clearly?
“Don't be, you're the most flexible person I know! You're gonna kill it!” he hollers loudly through the phone and I smile, even though I'm sure he has permanently damaged my ear drums.
I giggle. “You're coming right?”
“Of course.”
The pure assurance in which he answers my question always warms my icy heart. He's the only person who comes to any of my cheerleading tournaments.
My mother used to come all the time, but after my dad left her, she stopped coming. She said it reminded her too much of when they used to come to my games together. Couldn't she just try for me?
“I gotta go now,” Kai says through the phone and quickly continues. “My mother is calling me. I'll call you back. Love you!”
“Love you too.” I hang up.
I lean my head against my locker, my head feeling utterly heavy. So much tension is settled within my limbs right now, all because I haven't been able to release it.
The only thing that usually dissipates my tension is when I'm face to face with Adaline, when I play our little game of insults and bother her.
