His black tux is exquisite; it fits him well and is tailored to perfection, which isn’t really a surprise considering he has been an absolutegroomzillathese last few months. He looks exceptionally handsome, but of course, I can’t tell him that.
“You look less hideous than usual,” I say.
He scoffs, rolling his eyes. “As if. I look like a stud.” He twirls around in his tux, checking himself out in the full-length mirror. I just chuckle and revel in his happiness as I sit on the sofa, because I can’t revel in my own, mostly because Juliette has been ignoring me for the last two days. I don’t blame her; I was horrible to her.
I didn’t mean for my words to come out the way they did, I just exploded. I’m just scared. I’ve tried texting her, but she just ignores me, I’ve been too terrified to speak to her in person because I feel like my walls will crumble if I do. Although I’ve also been dying to know how she did in her biology exam. I wasn’t even there to support her before or after the exam!
I don’t want to love you!How could I have said those words to her? I felt my own heart tearing when I said them, I just needed to say something…anything to push her away.
“Are you sure you’re ready for this?” I ask Adam suddenly, letting my own thoughts come to life. He turns around and arches his eyebrow in confusion. “How do you know you’re meant to be with Olivia?” I clarify.
He half smiles and saunters over to me, sitting next to me on the sofa. I don’t mean to cloud his mind with doubts, part of me wants him to know that he should make this decision properly, that I would be willing to drive a getaway car if he ever wanted to leave. The other part of me is confused, baffled even that he loves someone so much he’s willing to tie his whole life with them.
“You just do,” he says, like it’s the easiest thing in the world.
“That’s insightful.”
He giggles a little at my sarcastic remark. “I don’t know how to describe it, Addie.” He sighs wistfully.
“Try, please.”
“I don’t feel like myself when she isn’t around—it’s almost as if nothing matters if she isn’t there to witness it. I—I love her so much that it physically hurts me sometimes.” He ducks his head shyly. I’ve never seen him like this before. “I feel like an empty matchstick without her, I can’t burn if she’s not there to help light me.”
I’ve never heard him so eloquent before, so lost for words, yet so filled with words at the same time. I was always jealous of him for being able to love so freely, I never understood why he could and whyIcouldn’t. We had the same father, maybe not entirely, but towards the end, we both dealt with the same absence.
“Are you not scared? Aren’t you scared of turning into dad?” If anything, he should be more scared than me, he spent more time with my father—he saw the switch from a loving man to a cruel one. He witnessed what love can do to someone.
“Of course, I’m scared. I’m scared of everything, of her realizing that maybe I’m not good enough for her or someone else would be better, or her simply not wanting me anymore.” He puts his hand on my shoulder. “But I’m not scared of being like him, I’m never scared of that.”
“Why?” I utter breathlessly.
“Because he didn’t behave that way because of love. He was clinically depressed and a raging alcoholic,” he states simply.
“Yeah, but he lost her. If he hadn’t, maybe he—”
“We don’t know what could have happened,” he interrupts me seriously. “Aren’t you tired of living in fear? Don’t you want to live your life foryou?”
Strange. I always thought I had been living my life for me—I didn’t even stop to think that the fear of turning into my father strayed me from things that I might have wanted, things I might have chosen. I fooled myself into thinking everything I did was in accordance to my own beliefs. But that’s just now how it works, isn't it? At the end of the day, we’re always gonna be the sum of our unresolved trauma.
“You’re a good big brother, you know that?”
“I know.” He winks at me, pulling me into a side hug.
Fear. Something I never thought would ever hinder me is doing exactly that. But you know what? I won’t let it. Not any longer. Not when I finally feel happy.
“Do you mind if we cut this short? I have to go somewhere.”
He nods. “Yeah, that’s fine. You’ve already seen how great I look.”
“Love you.” I kiss him on the cheek hurriedly.
“Love you too!”
On my way out of the shop, I pull my phone out and call Kai, praying that he answers. I can’t call my friends because they’re busy and there’s only one other person I know that drives a car that will get here fast enough.
“Hello?”
“Hey Kai, it’s Adaline. Could you pick me up? I just wanna go to Juliette—”
