“Is this because I’m not out yet? Because I can’t give you thatrealexperience yet?” I suddenly feel incredibly self-conscious.
I wouldn’t blame her. She knows I can’t come out yet, I can’t hold her hand in public, or take her out on dates where anyone could see us. I couldn’t even bring her home if my mother was there.
“God no!” she says instantly, as if she’s appalled by my words. Her hands reach out to my face. “I’m saying I’d make a terrible girlfriend, Juliette, because I don’t allow myself those feelings. I can’t be like my father.”
Her father. Of course. How could I be so stupid? Five years of trauma isn’t just going to dissipate from a few months of whatever we have been doing. I know that better than anyone, but it still isn’t hindering me.
“But you’re not incapable of them. That’s good enough for me,” I say gently.
“I study too much!” She exclaims randomly.
“I’ll remind you to take breaks.”
“I suck at talking about things.”
“We’re talking right now.”
“I’m too cocky.”
“It’s justified.”
“I’m too sarcastic.”
“It’s cute.”
Her dimples surface. “You used to hate these things about me.”
“Well, now I love them.” I shrug inching closer towards her. “I don’t want us to just be two bodies anymore, I want us to be two minds too, I want you to tell me.”
“Tell you what?” she whispers back, breathless.
I tuck a strand of hair behind her ear.It’s now or never, Juliette. You can do this. “Tellme. Tell me everything. Tell me the most boring parts of your day that don't even interest you, tell me how you wake up in the morning and how you sleep at night. Tell me what scares you and what your deepest desires are. I want itall, all of your mind and all of your thoughts, give it all to me and only me…because I don't think I can breathe without it anymore.”
Dark. Twisted. Digging into every part of me dangerously and gently at the same time. She wreaks havoc on my body and my mind at all times of the day—that's what Adaline does to me.
She scares me because of how she makes me feel, but…it feels so good. It’s always felt good, even when I hated her and even now when I want her.
She exhaled loudly, like she can’t believe what I’m saying. “What are you doing to me?” She puts her hand on her naked chest as if she’s calming her breathing.
“Is that a yes?” I ask teasingly.
“Fuck yes.” She pulls me into her mouth, kissing me deeper and I have to refrain from fucking her again—I’m too exhausted.
“Wait,” she says suddenly, breaking away from our kiss, “I hope you don’t think I’m gonna be all lovey-dovey now.” Her tone is teasing and serious at the same time. Even her deflection is cute.
“I wouldn't dream of it,” I retort, unable to hide the wide grin that breaks out on my face.
She shrugs. “But I guess it wouldn't hurt to like…hold hands.” Her false nonchalance is unbelievably adorable.
I smirk and move my hand towards hers. “That sounds nice,” I say, as I interlock her fingers with mine.
The first time we’ve ever held hands outside of sex—it’s something purposeful. We’ve just had sex, but holding hands with her seems more intimate to me. I stare into her eyes and I can feel the peace, but also, I can see the familiar acidity creeping up—I feel it too, it’s only natural.
A few seconds pass, before I chuckle lowly and say, “Yousowanna call me a bitch right now don't you?”
I can practically feel the tension dissipating from her shoulders. “Sobad,” she admits in a quiet giggle and I can’t help but laugh in response, pulling her into my chest.
My chest is lighter than it’s ever been and I sleep like an absolute baby through the night. Even as Adaline and I fight over the covers in the middle of the night, I’m afraid I’ve tasted peace and I never want to go back.
