“My father climbed into my bed later that night, he must have thought I was asleep. He wept silently next to me the whole night
. He never touched me again.”
I clench my jaw and swallow the bile and tears I feel rising inside me.
She shrugs. “I stopped reacting to him after that. I became used to his cruelty. I knew that he fed off my reactions. He was so fucking empty inside that he needed to hurt me so he could feel something. He needed me to feel guilty.”
“Did you…feel guilty?”
“Yes.”
“Do you still feel guilty?”
“Sometimes,” she murmurs softly. “Sometimes I even feel sorry for him.”
“What, why?” I furrow my eyebrows. “He was a horrible man…he hurt you.”
She leans her head against her bed before looking up at her ceiling. “When I was younger, I used to ask Adam to tell me stories about my father, he always refused because he didn't think of him as his father anymore …” she sighs, “but on the day of his funeral, he called me from prison and told me many stories. You know what they all included?”
“What?” I ask captivated by her words.
“Kindness. Laughter. Love. He was the best husband my mother could have asked for and a loving father to Adam.”
This only makes me angrier. “But he wasn't a kind father toyou…how can you not hate him for that?Ihate him for that and I've never even met him. He sounds like a monster.”
I don't care that he lost his wife. Maybe I'm not an empathetic person, but I don't care. All I know is that Adaline is traumatized, she probably will be for a very long time and that's all thanks to him.
Adaline nods in agreement. “I think we're all monsters deep down, if we're pushed to that extent. Maybe if I felt like he was my father I could hate him. How could I hate a man that was just a stranger to me?”
She's being so awfully understanding to someone who treated her like nothing. Is it exhaustion or emotional maturity? Either way, it makes me sadder than I've ever felt before and only makes me respect her even more.
She's never had any parents. One died and the other was completely devoid of any parental feelings towards her. All she's ever really had is Adam and even he was sent to jail for a majority of her adolescence.
How did she survive?
My head starts burning. 'I guess you never really had any parents around to teach you about having standards.'
“It got worse the older I got, the more independent I became, the more he could wallow in his misery. He was an empty shell of a person, he just sat there and drank, waiting until he could be with my mother again,” I feel her hands shaking a little, “until he finally had enough and killed himself.”
I watch her intently and my mind doesn't stop trying to imagine all of these events.
“He is the reason I would never let myself fall in love. I've seen the way it consumed and ruined him. He lost the woman he loved and it turned him into a monster. Ican'tever be like that.”
She won't ever let herself fall in love? I never knew that about her. Come to think of it I've never really seen her date anyone. I always just assumed she would date people outside of Richmond as she was off limits there. Clearly, she's never given herself the opportunity.
She really won't ever fall in love? Why is my heart dropping at her words? I should understand her considering what I've gone through with my own father. I don't want to be like him either.
I tuck a strand of her hair behind her ear, watching her exhausted eyes. “He ruined himself, love didn't do that to him. Adam lost his mother that day too, he didn't hurt you because of it, did he?”
She shakes her head. “No, he didn't.”
I mean he was what, nine? When his mother died and he got a baby sister. It would have been more understandable for him to blame and be angry at Adaline because he was a child, but he didn't. He was more of a father then the adult in the situation and love isn't an excuse for that. Grief isn't an excuse to be a horrible person and an even worse father.
It might explain it, but it does not justify it.
I sigh heavily. “Your next birthday, celebrate it.”
“Juliette—”
