“Did you seduce her, Jack?” Lottie hissed. “Did you surprise her in her bath? Take her in the stables? Did you fuck Sebastian’s mama in front of him to drive a wedge between the two?”
The memories crashed over him in a tide. He couldn’t breathe. Then the undertow came—the guilt, the unrelenting shame pulling him under.
“What the bloody hell is going on?”Sebastian standing at the entry of the stall, yelling, the horses neighing.“Get your hands off my mama, you dirty bastard!”
Judith sobbing.“Jack seduced me, I swear it. I told him it was wrong. I would never hurt you, my darling boy…”
And Jack himself, naked, frozen, helpless. Knowing there were no words to take the pain and disgust out of his friend’s eyes. To drain it from his own soul.
I didn’t want this. I wanted it to stop. Being with her always felt wrong.
Who would believe a bastard like him? Who had ever believed in him?
Did he even believe in himself?
Realizing that his silence was damning, he swallowed back his self-loathing and tried to explain. “I didn’t mean…I didn’t want Sebastian to see us.”
“But you were tupping his mama. For years.”
Lottie’s flat tone made him shrink inside.
He couldn’t lie to her, didn’t know what else to say. He gave a terse nod.
“And when she wanted you to stop, you forced yourself upon her.” Her gaze hardened with revulsion. “You raped her.”
“No.”He had enough wherewithal to deny the false accusation. “I swear I never forced her. She wanted it. She was the one who?—”
“I have heard that excuse before,” Lottie snapped. “What about Sebastian? Did you kill him?”
The guilt that cinched his throat was more suffocating than shame. What made it worse was the horror in his beloved’s gaze. The condemnation.
“I told you he died because of me,” he said tonelessly. “I didn’t lie to you.”
“But you omitted some key truths.”
Her voice trembled with pain and anger, and he couldn’t blame her. Because even though he’d told himself he wasn’t lying, he hadn’t been honest either.
“After Sebastian found me in the stables with Judith, he understandably became enraged. He wanted nothing to do with either of us and ran off. He’d been going through his papa’s effects and found certain coded missives that convinced him that his papa had been an agent for the Crown. He’d also found the name of his papa’s contact and went to find him in London. That man, my spymaster, agreed to train him as a spy…and, well, you know the rest.”
He stood, shoulders hunched, awaiting his wife’s judgement. Wishing he had some way to convince her he was worthy, knowing that he was not. Knowing that he’d been fooling himself that he could ever be deserving of her.
“Why did you never mention Judith to me?” Lottie interrogated him as if she’d already found him guilty. “Was it because of what you did to her?”
Lottie stabbed a finger toward the settee, and such was his state of mind that he only now noticed the volume on the cushions. He recognized it immediately. Judith’s diary—the one she’d created for the express purpose of blackmailing him. She’d wanted to use it as leverage to keep him as her own personal stud and sexual servant. In the end, Primus had obtained the vile journal at a great cost.
Jack knew, then, who was behind Lottie’s newfound knowledge, but in that moment, it didn’t matter. Because he’d read that diary from cover to cover and knew the despicable version of events Judith had penned. His gut lurched as if he were about to be sick: Lottie had read that toxic mix of twisted words and spiteful lies, and she…she had believed them.
Believed that he was a monster.
“It is not what you think.” His tongue felt heavier than lead. “She made me…it wasn’t what I wanted.”
“She wrote about every encounter you had with her.” Lottie’s eyes were bright with contempt. “The depraved things you did to her. And when she wanted to end the affair, you assaulted her.”
Although the diary was mostly fiction, there was a core of truth that made his insides writhe with shame. Hehadbedded Judith, his best friend’s mama. He had done it for years. Even if he hadn’t wanted to, he had done filthy things to her and let her do filthy things to him in return. His palms turned clammy, his insides roiling with humiliation and confusion.
I tried to end it,he wanted to say.I didn’t like the way she made me feel.
But Judith purred in his ear.See how hard you are, Jack.You want this. You cannot get enough…
