You should have known better than to trust love.The familiar agony wrapped like thorny vines around her heart.To believe that anyone could understand and accept you for who you are. Now what are you left with?
Pride lifted her chin. “What is my other option?”
“You can defy me and continue to pursue this death wish of yours. If that is your decision, then I will wash my hands of you.” His eyes were grim and resolute. “You will have the marriage you initially proposed: one in which I do not give a damn about you or what you do.”
Thirty-Six
Fiona woke up in a groggy, despondent state. Arriving home last night, she and Hawk had retreated to their separate bedchambers. She’d managed to dismiss Brigitte before climbing into bed and succumbing to tears. She hated crying, not only because it wreaked havoc on one’s eyes, but because it made her feel out of control.
Yet she couldn’t stop the momentum of her sorrow. She’d wept over the unfairness of Hawk’s ultimatum, of being forced to choose between her independence and her heart. She’d wept for their passion and intimacy and broken promises. Mostly, she’d wept for herself: she’d exposed her true self to the man she loved…and he had rejected her.
Papa was right,she thought morosely.I am a handful. Too much trouble for anyone to love.
As a woman used to knowing her mind, Fi found herself at a crossroads. Lillian needed her help, and she couldn’t give up the Angels—didn’t want to. Yet she also didn’t want to lose the man she loved. Last night, she’d been furious at Hawk, hurt by his callous disregard of the things that mattered to her and defined who she was. It was especially galling since his own work as a spy should have made him more understanding of her situation.
This morning, however, she found herself mulling over their argument, in particular his revelation about Caroline. Her own pain subsided a little as she contemplated his: the burden he’d been carrying all these years. He’d taken care of his wife and protected her with fierce loyalty. He’d cut himself off from family and friends and kept that awful secret to himself all these years.
I failed to help her. But I will not fail you.
While Hawk did not blame Caroline for the illness that had wreaked havoc upon their lives, he clearly held himself responsible. It was just like him to be protective of others while denying his own needs. Fi ached for his suffering; more of her anger drained away, clearing her head. While she did not know the solution to her marital problems, she did know one thing: she and Hawk needed to talk.
With renewed resolve, she went to check her reflection…and winced at the sight of her swollen eyes. Heavens, she could not have the most important conversation of her life looking likethis. She rang for Brigitte, who arrived promptly.
She pointed at her puffy face. “I have an emergency.”
“Not to worry, my lady.” Brigitte held up her tray, which contained a cup of ice with silver spoons and a dish of sliced cucumbers. “I’ll fix you up in no time.”
Apparently, Fi’s emotional state last evening had not escaped her maid’s notice.
“You’re a treasure,” Fi said gratefully. “Have you seen my husband?”
“My lord left early this morning.”
“Oh.” Hawk’s abandonment punctured Fi’s optimism.
Brigitte cleared her throat. “He, ahem, requested that you stay home today.”
Fi drew her brows together. “Requested or decreed?”
“He said to tell you that if you left the house, he would know your decision.”
Hawk’s high-handedness vexed Fi. If she stayed home, she would be kowtowing to him. If she left, she might do irreparable harm to her marriage.
Her will battled with her heart.What should I do?
By the time Fi finished getting ready, she still hadn’t come to a decision. Luckily, the Angels arrived, trooping into her bedchamber.
“We thought you could use company,” Livy said.
“And cake.” Glory held up a large box. “We brought a selection of Gunter’s best.”
“Nothing like cake for breakfast to drown one’s sorrows,” Pippa added.
“I’m so glad you came,” Fi blurted. “I don’t know what to do!”
Between forkfuls of vanilla sponge, raspberry jam, and chocolate ganache, Fi confided what had happened between her and Hawk. She told her friends everything, except the specifics of Caroline’s illness, which wasn’t her secret to share.
“If you were me, what would you do?” she concluded. “Leave or stay home today?”
