The love and understanding in her mother’s eyes heated Pippa’s own.
“Papa doesn’t mean it, you know,” Mama went on. “Well, that’s not precisely true. Hedoesmean what he says about Longmere, but he doesn’t mean to hurt you, my dear. He loves you.”
“I know.” Pippa’s voice trembled; she loved her father too.
“The thought of everything you’ve gone through drives Papa mad. You waited years for Longmere to come up to scratch. After you wed, you seemed changed. Not like the happy, carefree girl we knew. And knowing how Longmere...how things ended, Papa and I are concerned about you.”
Pippa appreciated her mother’s tact. Although her parents didn’t know the full extent of Edwin’s sins, they were aware that he’d died because of his drug use. Her humiliation deepened; not only had she made a terrible choice, but she had also caused her parents to worry.
“I know it’s no excuse for Papa’s ranting and raving”—Mama cast her eyes heavenward—“but he can’t help himself. He feels like he failed to protect you. He is angrier at himself than Longmere, truth be told. But the stubborn man can’t let the anger go, even though it has caused a rift between the two of you. Losing you is eating him up inside.”
A tear escaped, sliding down Pippa’s cheek. “I’m sorry.”
“Do stop apologizing, my darling,” Mama murmured, passing her a handkerchief. “I just wanted to explain why your papa has been acting the way he has. None of this is your fault—”
“It is,” Pippa blurted. “All of it is my fault.”
Mama shook her head so vehemently that a violet fell, twirling onto the Aubusson. “You cannot blame yourself for falling in love—”
“I don’t know if what I felt for Longmere was love.”
The instant the words left her, Pippa felt shock…and stunning relief. While shame slithered in the wake of her confession, the tension that had been gnawing at her for months eased. She’d finally voiced the awful truth: she now doubted her feelings for Edwin. And while she did mourn him, she was also…angry.
Furious, in truth, at her husband’s betrayal. The lies he’d told, the secrets he’d kept. And the way he’d treated her…it was a far cry from her experience with Cull. Even though they were having a casual liaison, Cull had shown her what it was like to have a lover who cared about her happiness and well-being. Who fed her sense of self-worth rather than starved it. Cull might keep secrets as part of his job, but he was unflinchingly honest when it came to his feelings and expectations about their relationship.
Beside her, Mama waited in silence. As if she understood Pippa needed space to sort out the tangled skeins of her feelings.
“I thought it was love at first sight,” Pippa said haltingly.
She recalled that first time she’d seen Edwin; it had been at a ball, and he’d been surrounded by admirers. Mostly female, all hanging on his every word as he expounded upon his philosophy of art. His desire to capture the true essence of life. Pippa had felt a tingle as she thought of how she, too, tried to convey the wonder of the ordinary with strokes of her paintbrush.
“And now?” her mama asked.
“I think it was just an infatuation.” Throat clogging, Pippa confronted the self-deception that had lasted through the years of courtship and marriage. “I was attracted to his artistic sensibility, his passionate way of looking at the world. So much so that I never really let myself see beyond his image. To the man he actually was.”
Mama’s face hardened. “In your defense, you were only two-and-twenty when you met him. And the one talent I will grant Longmere was his ability to convince others that his high opinion of himself was warranted.”
“But you and Papa saw through him. From the start, you did not approve…” Pippa twisted the handkerchief between her fingers, unwilling to let herself off the hook. “I would not listen, however. I insisted that you did not understand him. I defended his bad behavior toward me…toward our family.”
In retrospect, that was one of her worst sins: she had not only lost herself, but she’d also abandoned her family. She had allowed Edwin’s condescension to drive a wedge between her and the people she loved.
For several heartbeats, Mama said nothing.
“Do you know why I saw through Longmere?” she asked finally.
“Why?”
“Because I was once infatuated with a man just like him.”
“No,” Pippa breathed.
Knowing how passionately in love her parents were, she couldn’t imagine either of them having feelings for anyone else.
“Oh, yes.” Mama’s smile was rueful. “He was a titled lord and every bit as pompous as Longmere. He fancied himself a poet; the females on my side of the family must be susceptible to artistic sorts.”
“But how…you and Papa…?” Pippa couldn’t even piece the words together.
“I thought I was in love with this fellow when I met your papa.” A twinkle came into Mama’s eyes. “Your papa promptly convinced me otherwise.”
