His job was to present her with the facts. When he called upon her today, he would tell her the other sordid details of his past: the catastrophe of his marriage and his opium habit. His neck tightened, and he rubbed at the corded muscles, wondering starkly if she would decide that he wasn’t worth the trouble.
“I could never forget you,”Livy had once vowed.“I will always be here for you.”
He’d been promised forever before. On his wedding day…and look at how that had ended. Before that, during the halcyon period of his childhood, he’d believed that he would have the love and support of his parents and sister for all his life.
He had ruined that too.
As much as he wanted to believe that Livy was different, he had to be realistic. She might be too young and innocent to give him what he craved, the fantasies reality had pulverized. Yet the ashes of his dreams were still there, hope buried in the Pandora’s box of his life, taunting and tantalizing him in equal measure. A part of him feared those needs, for they made him vulnerable…weak.
Arabella had used them to play him like a puppet. And though Livy was as different from his dead wife as he could imagine, the two women did have one thing in common: they were both headstrong by nature. His failure to do his husbandly duty and guide Arabella had destroyed their marriage.
He could not ignore that Livy was equally willful…hell, he’d found her dressed like a whore at a tavern last night. Even though he believed that her gambit had mostly been innocent, there was no telling what she could get up to if he didn’t keep a close eye on her.
It had been one thing to find her Willflower antics amusing when she’d been his little friend. Now that his feelings for her had taken a decidedly different turn, his instinct to protect her was amplified by possessiveness. If he married her, he would not make the same mistake that he’d made with Arabella. He would have to guide Livy and maintain a firm upper hand. It would be his duty to keep her safe from her own worst instincts.
Am I up to the task? Or am I going to fail…again?
Pushing aside his self-doubt, he got out of bed, ignoring the heavy sway of his cock. He could, obviously, take matters into his own hands…but he didn’t want to. He hadn’t had a sexual release with others or by himself since the first time Livy had kissed him at her birthday ball. It was the second longest period of celibacy in his adult life.
Master Chen would be proud, he thought wryly.
Yet Ben wasn’t withholding pleasure from himself for any moral reason. The simple fact was that he only wanted gratification with Livy. She made him long for things he hadn’t felt in years…maybe ever. He’d never been friends with a lover before. Never felt this protective over any woman. Never wanted to cherish her rare self even as he fantasized about debauching her and laying claim to her in every filthy way imaginable.
Filled with restless energy, he rang for his valet to help him dress. He would go for a ride before calling upon Livy. Then he would tell her the remaining facts about his past and his expectations for marriage, and she would make her choice to accept him…or not.
17
Livy cocked her head, halting in front of the fire. “Is that Hadleigh?”
Posted by the drawing room window, Glory reported, “No. Just a passing carriage.”
“He said he would call.” Livy recommenced her pacing. “Where is he?”
“It is only five minutes past two,” Fiona said from the settee. She was dealing cards onto the coffee table, polishing some of the tricks Hawker had taught them. When she turned over a royal flush, she smiled with satisfaction. “Perhaps Hadleigh is being fashionably late.”
“I wish he would show up,” Livy grumbled.
“For heaven’s sake.” Seated at the escritoire, Charlie peered over her wire-rimmed reading spectacles like a disapproving schoolmistress. “All this fuss over a man.”
“Not just any man,” Livy protested. “This is Hadleigh we’re talking about.”
The man I love.
As Livy had predicted, upon arriving home, she’d been met by a worried Charlie. That had led to Livy giving an abbreviated account of the evening’s activities. Since Livy hadn’t been able to hide her giddiness, Charlie had guessed the state of affairs between Livy and Hadleigh…and hadn’t seemed too pleased about it. Unlike Glory and Fi, who’d cheered when Livy told them her dreams were finally coming true.
“Livy has been in love with the duke for ages,” Fi said blithely. “She is going to marry him.”
“Not too soon, I hope.”
Charlie’s testy tone was jarring because, up until now, her attitude had been warm and obliging. The coolness in the lady’s grey eyes sent an uncertain slither up Livy’s spine. Livy crossed over to the escritoire, her peach silk skirts swishing.
“Do you have a problem with Hadleigh?” Livy asked.
Charlie’s lips formed a tight line. “He has a reputation for being a rake.”
“That was in the past, and I do not care,” Livy said bluntly. “I’ve known him since I was twelve, when he risked his life to save mine. I know his true character, and I love him.”
“You are young, Livy. Too young to give up your dreams for a man.”
