“It was right before James started to—”
“Get violent,” Owen finishes for me, and our eyes meet.
“Why keep that one, if that’s what you remember?”
“Because it reminds me that James wasn’t always an arsehole. And I like to try and remember the parts where he didn’t beat me black and blue.”
I snort. “I don’t know if I can do that.”
“I’m not asking you to forget what he did, Luce. I’d never ask that of you. But at some point, you need to forgive him.”
“You want me to forgive him?” I pull back, a flash of heat rushing through my body like hot lava.
He holds his hands up, placating. “For you. You have to forgive him for you. You can’t hold on to that hatred. Not forever.”
“I fucking can,” I spit. “That man tookeverythingfrom me.”
Owen walks around the counter and rests his hands on my shoulder. “And he took everything from me. More than I everrealised until yesterday. But I forgive him. Because I don’t want to hold on to that anger. I don’t want that hatred to build in me like a disease and taint all the good of my past. Because Luce, it would taint this. It would taint us.”
“It’s already tainted us. Our whole past, Owen. He took it all.”
“But he can’t take any more. Don’t let him.” He leans forward, resting his head on my forehead before placing a soft kiss and pulling back. “You can let that hatred fester in you, or you can choose to let it go. But I’ve stopped letting my past dictate my future. I’ve come to terms with what happened—”
“Even the fact that I was the reason you were put in prison for seven years?” I pull back and shake my head. “I’m sorry, but no. I can’t just accept it all, and just…what? Move on and forgive?”
“It will eat you alive, Luce. I can see it in everything you do. I can see it in the way you look at me. You’re blaming him, you’re blaming me, you’re blaming Maria. Hell, you’re even blaming yourself. But you can’t change anything, just like I can’t. I could hate you, I could walk away from you knowing you’re to blame for me losing seven years of my life. But I won’t.”
I’m silent, letting his words wash over me.
“I get it,” he says quietly. “I get every single emotion you’re feeling, and it’s okay to feel that way, but I’m done holding onto the pain of the past. There is bigger stuff going on right now, and whilst I want you to deal with it, and need you to deal with it, right now—”
His head lowers, sighing.
Pain bursts through my chest, and I squeeze my eyes shut.
“I need you Luce, more than you will ever know. But I need the badass woman I hired to navigate this with me, because I don’t know what to do. All I know is I’m shit scared that we are in the middle of a conspiracy that will change everything. And I can’t. No. I won’t let our past fuck this up. So please.” His eyes scorch into mine, his hands back on my shoulders as he bendsdown, so his eyes meet mine. “Please help me. I love you, Luce. But right now, I need the strength of Kara.”
I take in his words, the warmth of his hands on my shoulders, the emotion that claws at my throat and chest like it’s ripping through me. The pain of my past which is fucking with every single ounce of my head.
But even as I have my inner battle, I’m nodding my head.
Because he’s right; he doesn’t need this version of me. He needs Kara Snow. The version that Andrews spent years training, years and years of honing my skills and psychological ability to deal with shit like I should be doing now.
But I’ve lost my way. I’ve become the broken person that he once found. I’m not that person anymore.
“You’re right,” I say, my voice hoarse. I look at the picture book and pick it up. “Can I borrow this?” I ask, as Owen stares at me, probably wondering why I haven’t blown a gasket and am not swearing or arguing with him.
“Of course.”
I reach forward and grab his hand, squeezing it.
“I’ll be back.” I pick up the photo book, hugging it to my chest and walk to the bedroom as I close the door.
Leaving Owen standing in the small kitchen.
48
Lucy - Present
