“Stay behind and have drinks with me?” he asks, biting his lip.
For a split second, I consider it. Letting go. But I know how this ends. Empty. Used. Disappointed. Pretending it meant something when it didn’t. I haven’t enjoyed sex since I was assaulted. I’m not sure I ever truly will.
Not unless there is a man out there I can fully trust enough with my body.
So, no.
“Maybe.”
I balance the tray of drinks he gave me and make my way back to the booth.
“Did you get his number?” Bella wiggles her brows.
I laugh. “No. Not my thing.”
Her mouth falls open. “You don’t have sex? Don’t lie to me, Lily.”
I set the drinks down and slide into the seat across from her. “I’m not a virgin. I just don’t…”
“Have sex?” Bella finishes.
“Not often. No. And if I do, I have to be pretty drunk. Even then, I don’t get off. It’s pointless.” The truth sits heavy in my chest. I don’t say the rest out loud. That I’m broken. He fucking ruined all the good things in my life. I have baggage that no man is going to want to stick around for.
Is there a guy who will see me having a panic attack and not think I’m crazy? I doubt it.
Something soft passes over Bella’s face, like she understands more than she’s letting on. Like she knows pain wears different masks.
“Have you ever slept with another woman?” she asks, swirling her straw.
“No. I haven’t. Why? You want to be my first, Bels?” I wink at her.
I like dick. Just not the men they’re attached to, unfortunately.
She licks her lips. “Lily, if I weren’t happily married to my dreamy Irish twins, I’d be dragging you into my bed and showing you exactly how hard you can come.”
Jesus Christ.
I glance at Hallie, who suddenly looks very interested in literally anything else. The absurdity cracks me open, and laughter spills out of me. Bella joins in, unapologetic as ever. I love that about her. She’s an absolute menace, but a light in everyone’s life.
“Good to know, Bella. I’ll keep it in mind.”
She shrugs. “Honestly, if you can’t find a guy, women know how to press all the right buttons.”
Heat creeps up my cheeks. “I can find my own buttons.”
She winks. “Just wait till you find the guy, or guys,” she nods toward her men across the room, “who you trust to let your guard down. Maybe you’re just meant to find your soulmate, not give yourself away to worthless losers.”
Something tight in my chest loosens just a little. “Aw. That was kinda cute.”
And for the first time in a while, I almost believe her. Bella is terrifying when she wants to be. A volcano under the surface. But she’s also loyal and surprisingly gentle.
“She’s right, Lils. You’ll find someone who will complete you in every way,” Hallie adds.
We always talked about finding a husband, having kids, and then our kids being best friends. For her, it’s become a reality. But I’m letting this side down. “I’m not holding my breath.”
They both pout.
“I wanna be a bridesmaid at least once in my life. None of my brothers are ever going to find a woman to tie their crazy asses down.” Bella says with a pout.
