And then there’s her.
Lily, everywhere.
Her profile was painted from memory long before I was allowed to touch her. Lily laughing, head tipped back, sunlight in her hair. Lily sleeping, curled in on herself, the most vulnerable thing I’ve ever seen.
I didn’t mean to paint her this many times. It just kept happening. She was my safety in this world without even knowing it.
My chest tightens as I step further into the room, the door clicking shut behind me like a final sound. My hands start to shake now that there’s no one left to see it.
I drag a hand down my face and exhale hard.
Fuck.
My mind flashes to her earlier today, curled beneath the shower spray, shaking in my arms like the world was ending. The sound of her crying, muffled by water, tears straight through me. Her fingers clawing into my clothes like I was the only thing keeping her here.
I’d never felt so helpless. So furious. So terrified of failing someone.
I cross the room and stop in front of the largest canvas. It’s her face, close-up. Eyes half-lidded. Soft mouth. Peaceful. The way she looks when she finally feels safe enough to rest.
And that’s when it hits me.
Lev’s face. Not the rage.
The disappointment. That hurt worse than any punch.
I press my palm flat against the canvas, my throat burning.
Maybe he’s right. Maybe I don’t deserve her.
I’ve killed men without losing sleep. I’ve done things in the dark that don’t wash off, no matter how hard I scrub. I am violence. I am blood. I am the thing people send in when there are no rules left.
Evil doesn’t get to have soft things. Evil doesn’t get to be loved.
I sink down onto the chair, elbows braced on my knees, head dropping into my hands. My breathing turns uneven before I can stop it.
She loves me. The thought should steady me. Instead, it scares the hell out of me. Because loving me means standing too close to something that burns. And I’ve spent my whole lifemaking sure the people I care about don’t get caught in the fallout.
I squeeze my eyes shut.
I see her panic again. Hear her voice break. Feel the way her body finally went slack against mine when she realized she wasn’t alone anymore.
What if Lev is right? What if loving me only brings her back into the very hell I’ve been trying to claw my way out of?
My chest tightens until it hurts. “I don’t deserve this,” I whisper into the empty room. Not her. Not the paintings. Not the peace she brings with her just by existing.
My hands curl into fists. But then I remember the way she looked at me when she said she loved me. She wasn’t afraid of it. She was certain, like she’d already chosen me, scars and all.
And that’s the thing that finally breaks me.
I lean forward, forearms braced against my thighs, and let the weight of it hit. Not sobbing. Not dramatic. Just a quiet fracture inside my chest where the truth settles in.
I might be a monster. But, I’m her monster.
And if the world thinks I’m not good enough for her, if Lev thinks I’m poison… then I’ll spend the rest of my life proving them wrong. Even if it costs me everything else I have left.
I drag in a breath and lift my head. For Lily, I’ll be better.
Because evil might not deserve love, but I’ll fight like hell to make sure she never regrets giving it to me.
