“Oh, and let's keep the kiss our little secret.” She keeps her voice low.
I feel fucking disgusting.
Relieved too, when she steps into the elevator and disappears, the doors sliding shut like a mercy I didn’t earn. The silence she leaves behind is suffocating, but at least it’s clean. At least she’s gone.
The first thing I do is lock myself in the bathroom and turn the shower on full heat. I stand under it like punishment. Like if I let the water scald hard enough, long enough, it might burn the shame off my skin. Might erase the feel of her mouth. Might undo the way my body betrayed me by not moving when I let it happen.
I brace my hands against the tiled wall and drop my head, water pounding down my spine. Another secret. Another fucking lie by omission. Another thing I’ll have to bury so deep it rots inside me.
And the worst part?
It’s for her. For Lily. The woman I love so completely it terrifies me.
I drag a hand down my face, fingers trembling, breath coming too hard for a man who prides himself on control. I’vesurvived torture. War. Betrayal. I’ve stared death in the eye and didn’t blink.
But this? This is what breaks me.
I might have just secured the deal. The one that keeps everyone back home safe. Keeps Lev breathing. Keeps Lily out of the crosshairs. Keeps the Preacher within reach.
I did what I had to do.
That’s what I keep telling myself as the water turns my skin raw. But standing here, alone, with the truth clawing its way up my throat, it feels like I traded something sacred for strategy. Like I sold a piece of my soul and called it protection.
Because even if she never saw it. Even if she never finds out. I’ll still know. And I can’t build a future with her on top of lies and blood and secrets. I'm too much of a coward to confess.
I may have saved everyone. But I might have just sacrificed the only thing in this life that ever made me feel human.
And the cruelest part? I don’t get to keep this from her. I have to tell her the truth.
And I know there is no going back from this. Even if I didn’t ask for her to kiss me, she did anyway.
CHAPTER FORTY-SEVEN
Lily
“Morning, lastochka,” Drago murmurs from behind me, his voice rough with sleep.
I freeze.
My body screams to spin around and tear into him. To demand answers, I already know I don’t want to hear.
That I don’t mean as much to him as I thought I did. The moment that woman's lips touched his, that told me enough.
“Morning,” I reply instead, my voice almost bored.
“How’s your head?” he asks gently.
“I’m fine,” I say quickly. Too quickly. “I’m going to take a shower.”
Just like he did at five in the morning. Washing away his sins.
I’ll cry mine down the drain.
“Uh. Okay.” I say quietly, not trusting my voice.
I don’t look at him. I don’t give myself the chance. I disappear into the bathroom and slam the door harder than necessary, the sound echoing like a gunshot in my chest.
Come on, Lily. Stop fucking crying. You’re better than this.
